I have often heard great writers feel like they get a
subconscious message from the universe. A calling some would say. And since I’m
suddenly fancying myself a writer, I try my best to be open to the universe. When
I woke up at the crack of 9:32 this morning, I felt like the universe was letting
me know there was something that needed to be written. By me. So, like 7 people
can read it. And who am I to question such a message? And today the universe said unto to me:
We need a post about ukuleles.
| "Emma tell you right now, ukuleles get me all hot and bothered." |
And I will listen. Heretofore,
my biggest accomplishment for the day has been working out while not managing to shit
ma pants after Hot Fried Chicken Night. (Also, I really wanted to use the word ‘heretofore’
today.) Yes, the toilet bowl got in a rather strenuous workout as well. It’s
now the toilet swoll. And before I go any further, I really should install a
hit counter for this one, because I am sure this is the post that will go viral.
Initially, this blog started as an outlet for me while I was
unemployed. And as I look back (and forward) I would really like to have something
to show for this time. Something of value, something I can work on. I am particularly
close to a super talented artist. And when the world beats her up, she goes
into her art studio and produces some mind blowing things, and all the profits
go to a dog rescue. While I may not be on that noble of a stage yet, I think
that was my big miss from my last round of unemployment; 10 months and nothing
to show. Sure, I did the lazy thing and streamed shows, went down rabbit holes
on YouTube, and read a bunch of books. Unrelated, look for the new KT Book of
the Month Club to start soon!
Ideally, I would like to come out of this round of UE with
at least a new skill. Sure, I will count KT as my outlet and “art.” Yet, I feel
I need something a bit more this time out. And, at least today, the ukulele
seems to be the answer. Even though ‘ukulele’ has most likely never been the
actual answer to any question previously asked by mankind.
How do we handle global warming? Ukulele.
How do we combat a fucking measles
outbreak in 2025? Ukulele.
If a train leaves Chicago at 34
miles an hour and another train leave Sheboygan at 67 miles an hour, where do
they intersect? Ukulele
The ukulele came to me (also a phrase never before said until now), for a few reasons. First and foremost, there’s only 4 strings. By my non-musician logic, I just need to get familiar with one string a day, then put it all together Friday. Makes sense, right; there’s only 4 strings, how hard can it be? Ultimately, I imagine the uke being a gateway guitar. Master the 4 strings this week. Next week, tackle the bass, the next week an actual guitar. The ‘real’ guitar has 2 more strings, so a bit more time than that. I’m pretty sure this is how Jimmy Page and Teddy Swims started. Before you know it, I’m slaying a 12 string like Rick fricking Nielsen by February.
| It's gonna be a busy month. |
Tour with a band, get some tattoos (arms and face), maybe an STD and retire early. I’m already letting my hair dread. Pretty sure it works this way.
Ukes are ridiculously cheap. Five Below
has quite a few in stock. And if it’s good enough for Sponge Bob and the
Avengers branding, I’m pretty sure the uke is a panty dropper. I imagine thrift stores
also have a healthy (and cheaper) selection of ukes. For those who don’t know
what ‘thrift stores’ are, it’s where us dirty unemployed go to buy “new”
clothes.
| Dafuq all those squiggly liney things?? |
Another inspiration for the uke is
this song by this band. Get ready for your earworm of the day. Surfer Girl by the Wheeland Brothers.
The uke is also very portable. So
many gatherings are only enriched by a uke player; bonfires, tailgates, parties,
wakes, road trips. Hell, I’m sure it would even be helpful in job interviews:
Them; So, Mr. Theory, what have you
been doing with all this free time?
Me; Well, in addition to fostering
dogs, spending time with my parents, donating platelets, the honeydew list-which if I don't do I find makes me melon collie (Fruit jokes!) I’m also
learning new skills. I am sure you have seen some of that in my LinkedIn
profile. I am also learning the ukulele. Would you like me to play a little
something for you?
Them; Uh, Mr. Theory, that is quite
OK…
Me: It’s no problem at all! Just
let me grab my uke which just happens to be right here…
Them; Can you tell me why we should
hire you?
Me: Ok, I think this is in tune.
You know these things only have 4 strings? I taught myself to play this in a
week, which shows you I am a quick learner. What would you like to hear?
Them: That is quite OK. I see on
your resume…
Me: Most people know Tiny Bubbles,
so I’ll start there?
Them: “Start?”
Me: Tiny Bubbles
I wonder if there are ukulele
videos on LinkedIn Learning? I really should look into that. There’s plenty on
YouTube.
Patreon Members Extras
(Long timers might remember this
bit as DVD Extras, but a lot has changed in 6 years.)
This post came about as I was in a Five Below last night. And they do sell numerous branded ukes. I picked a few up,
and even though I never played before, I sounded like a natural. Even though
the person I was with would disagree. Numerous times. I did have one
enlightened shopper who did enjoy my noodling, to the point of searching for a
lighter. True story.
Also true, during the pandemic I
got an acoustic guitar with online lessons from Groupon. (Is Groupon still a
thing? So much has changed in 6 years.) Along with an electric guitar, they are
both currently molting in the crawlspace. Never took a damn lesson. I recently went
to a show and sat front row, and every time, I am totally mesmerized how fast
real musician’s fingers move, it truly is mind blowing to me.
Throughout the draft of this post I was spelling it ukelele.
This post was written to the music
of Bastard Bearded Irishmen, who is also the band referenced above. Yes, that is a mandolin you might hear, I should be fluent with that next week.
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