OK, so in my last post, I boggled your head with some original Xmas songs. I know a lot of you are traditionalists, and really do like the standards. I can appreciate that; to a degree I do, too. But if you think I'm playing Billy Squier or Mariah Carey, you are sadly mistaken. So in this post, I'll lay out some overlooked takes on the songs you've heard a kajillion times.
Best Christmas Traditional Songs
So I will make your first few choices easy, seeing as how you're probably wrapping up last minute shopping or last minute wrapping. Maybe making the cookies, telling your girl to shut the hell up because you're a man watching football during fantasy championship week or into your fourth egg nog. I have found a handful of albums-yes, whole albums-that could bear the Kevolution Theory Seal of Approval once I get around to creating such a thing.
Brian Setzer Orchestra. While this isn't the place for me to rave about how important a guitarist and singer Setzer is (Quick; name another performer who heralded two distinct different styles of music to the main stream other than Setzer. FAIL! You can't.) this is the place for me to tell you pretty much all the BSO albums can appeal to everybody. Sinatra lovers, big band and swing types. There really ins't much in the market like this, and the Squirrel Nut Zippers can go screw themselves. At this point, BSO is reaching into the semi obscure numbers, and this is one of my favorites. Giddy up, partner.
Chris Isaak. OK, this is one of my favorite Xmas albums. Why? Because it sounds like summer. if you're gonna cram a bunch of standards down my throat, at least make it sound like we're sitting on the beach in Baja. So if you're down with that, this is the album for you. Keeping in that vein, here's "Mele Kalikimaka"
(Sidebar, when I hear "Mele Kalikimaka", I can't be the only one that thinks of this, right?)
Merry Christmas indeed! Now, where was I?
Sarah McLachlan. Yea, I know. But here's the deal, (and this is all based on her first Xmas album, not this new B & N exclusive) your girl will pretty much melt if you break this out. It's inoffensive enough to not piss anyone off. And Sarah has a talent and style that sets her contemporaries in the genre. Most of it is mellow, too, so it's a good "I'm drinking alone and getting blasted to these stark Xmas songs" kinda album. Wait. No one else does that? OK, never mind, carry on. Throwing a dart at the board, here's "Christmas Time is Here."
Frank Sinatra. The Chairman, Ol' Blue Eyes. I am a huge Sinatra fan, and his Xmas stuff might just be my favorite. No one does it like Frank. The BSO stuff above is a fine, but it just can't compare with Frank. All his holiday stuff takes you back to such a simpler time; when a dame actually had to slap you in the face to turn you down, no swiping left. I have just a few actual holiday traditions. One is to tell all the kids in line waiting for mall Santa that he isn't real. But my other favorite holiday tradition is to bundle up at night, and take the Theory Pup out for a walk to look at the lights. And Sinatra's Xmas songs is the only thing I play. "Silent Night" is allegedly the last song he ever recorded. Supposedly, he knew his time was short. Even though "The Voice" had left him, he laid out a beautiful delivery. To flush out the arrangement, they assembled every living member of his bands they could find, under the direction of Junior. Awesome, just awesome.
Twisted Sister. Yes, think what you want, but this is a fun album and it's exactly what you'd expect. Fun video as well, in the vein of Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher." I'm not feeling tardy, either.
OK, so to wrap up; you pretty much can't go wrong with full albums by Sinatra, Brian Setzer Orchestra, Chris Isaak, Sarah McLachlan and Twisted Sister. What's that? You want more? You greedy bastards. Fine, here's some more.
Hands downs, this might be my favorite Xmas song ever. The Pretenders "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." For some reason, I feel their "2000 Miles" cover gets more play, but it blows in comparison. Why do I like this song? Well, because, musically, it doesn't really sound like an Xmas song. And that slide guitar effect isn't something you hear everyday, let alone in holiday tunes. And, man, to me, it sounds freaking depressing. What's not to like?
So, apparently, I only have two favorite Xmas songs? No, I gotz more.
Cocteau Twins are another cult favorite of mine. And either you like them, or you have no bloody idea what singer Elizabeth Frazier is singing about. Which makes sense, since most of the time she was singing gibberish. But, they did two Xmas songs, "Winter Wonderland" and "Frosty the Snowman." Personally, I don't like the Frosty song, but, damn, they make it work. Video is unofficial, but trippy as hell.
Honorable mention for The Smithereens. Another cult band of mine (hey, go get your own blog, then talk about your favorite bands) hailing from the dirty Jerz. Sure, everyone thinks Bruce and Bon Jovi, but The Smithereens held onto a true bar band sound longer than those others. They did the Rudolph double dip, and your intrepid writer slightly prefers this one.
When it's Xmas time, and you think Bryan Adams, you generally think two things. 1) Why dafuq am I thinking about Bryan Adams when I need to buy something for Cousin Eddy and 2) "Something About Xmas Time." And while I will give you, "Something About Xmas Time" is a fine song, everyone seems to forget about this awesome visual of a Canadian singing "Reggae Xmas." I'm guessing this is a cover, since, you know he is Canadian. Pee Wee Herman appearance in the vid, and, GD, Adams sure sounds clear with no mic. Just sayin'.
As far as novelty songs go, this one still cracks me up. Every time. Stations need to play this, and not the Mariah Carey dreck, as I am sure this song will foster more goodwill to man.
Obligatory.
No Xmas celebration is official without my man The Grinch.
So, there you go. A few off beat, obscure Christmas songs you haven't heard a billion times. Now finish that last minute wrapping, find the mistletoe belt buckle, spend time with those that mean something to you and listen to some good music.
You guys know me by now. You guys know I hate freaking Xmas. So it's not a huge leap to make the assumption I also hate Xmas music. Well, I do. I mean, c'mon people, how many times do you need to hear "Jingle Bells" before you want to murder an elf? But there's always exceptions. Yes, even though I hate Xmas music, I do know a handful of originals that are actually worth your time. And I know what of I speak, as my musical taste is superior to yours. Far superior. As a barometer, if you think Paul McCartney's "Having a Wonderful Xmas Time" is a good song, just go away and please don't further your DNA. The world has enough problems.
The best original Christmas Songs
So, as I await your gifts to me, in addition to all the humor I have brought to your life in the face of a vicious 2016, I am giving you a few more gifts. Below are KT approved original Xmas songs to freshen up your weary playlists. Be warned, some of these err to the mellow -or too mellow-for some folks taste's. Big surprise, a guy who doesn't like Xmas like sad Xmas songs. You may know some of these artists, you may not. I'm not doing a deep dive on most of this, so the music can do the talking. As far as I known, all of these are originals, though I may be wrong. My favorite covers will be another post, you you jackoffs already owe me TWO presents.Also, I have discovered a strange fetish of GIS "sexy girls in Santa hats." Not every girl can pull it off, but the ones that do? Oh my. Anyway...
"Hi, I'm No, and this is my sister Nope."
I will preface these first few by saying The Blue Nile is absolutely one of my favorite bands of all time. (You heard me Kanye.) Unfortunately, they only put out 4 albums in their 22+ year existence. Most of their stuff is slow, mellow, meloncholy-right up my alley for Xmas. This is a b-side. If you like this, I like you, and it's worth your time to try a few other songs.
Bonus points for the Blue Nile, as this song takes place on Xmas Eve, and I usually find a way to play it. (Like writing about it.) Super mellow and a downer of a song. My favorite style for the holidays.
Slit your wrists yet? No? OK, let's keep the maudlin going. For the life of me, I don't know why this is considered an Xmas song, but it has shown up on a few Xmas compilations in the mid to late 90s, and kills me every time.
Drinking yet? I am. Mad Elf. So let's get to a song about drinking during the holidays by Philadelphia based artist Matt Santry. Bonus points for animated video.
Well, it turns out Santry has another cool Xmas one. Double shot! If you went to Catholic school, you'll appreciate this. If not, you'll be damn grateful.
A sultry little jazzy number here, full of the best entendres-double entendres!
More double shots! Rhode Island based Pat McGee, daring you to find a better Xmas song with a horn and banjo.
And, no, this is NOT the Wham song. That's another song that blows. This one is far better. Go ahead, try to disagree with me.
Heather Nova-another top five of mine that pretty much no one has heard of. She rarely tours America because she lives in the Bahamas, and who would ever freaking want to leave there? Angel of a voice and a cheery song. Bonus points for a fully produced video. There's some truth to the rumor I started that she wrote this song about me.
From angel to devil. It's Spinal Tap and "Christmas With the Devil."Pretty sure my parents make out to this song. Love the Tap. Little known fact about me; I own those same pair of pants as Derek Smalls.
A newer entry for cool new Xmas music. Level of difficulty; contains the Killers and Owen Wilson, neither of who I am a fan of. But Dawes is pretty legit, and that is mostly the sound. Cool video, but-surprise-a bit of a downer.
Welp, that's the best I can do for a quick and dirty holiday type post that writers seem obligated to de. Perhaps a volume two will be in order. Next year.
Whoever said this is the “happ-happiest time of the year” is
a liar. A filthy, dirty liar. Well, the blog subtitle is “Saying what needs to
be said” and this needs to be said.
So why am I writing a post like
this at this time of the year? 1) Because it needs to be expressed and 2) did
you really expect anything less of me on Xmas week? This isn’t some fantastical
Hallmark Channel movie, kids.
And really, this is the result of a visit to one
of the saddest places on the face of the Earth; the Mall.
Santa went to the Taco Bell, kids. He'll be back Thursday.
OK, I will frame this
by saying it’s Tuesday, December 20th, about noon. So if you’re at
the mall, it’s either on your lunch break or you had to eat a personal day to
(start and) finish your shopping. (Or you’re unemployed, but no one cares about
the jobless on Xmas.) As I enter the mall (which I haven’t been into in ages), one thing is bloody apparent; no one is smiling. Not one shopper. Not
one retail employee. Not. One. Whatever Disneyland is purportedly to happiness,
the American Mall Xmas week is the exact same for unhappiness.
"This...is...bullshit."
It conflicts with my laid back,
almost surfer-like attitude. I don’t deal well with the “hustle and bustle.” I
don’t like dealing with crowds. It’s just a lot of work for negligible return
on investment. All this shopping, hustling and bustling, and Xmas just goes by.
I’m left holding some new socks, a full belly and sick of everyone.
So where was I? The mall, right.
Apparently, this mall has one of the last remaining Sears in existence. I enter
through Sears, where I see a healthy amount of shoppers, and almost zero
employees. From here, I enter the mall itself. Where there also appears to be a
healthy amount of shoppers, I don’t really know how to tell. And like I said,
no one is happy. There’s even jackoffs wearing Santa hats that are unhappy. I’m
at the mall because I have to buy a girlie calendar for my brother.
Like, I can't even tell what month this is. But I'm not really complaining.
It’s
tradition that we buy each other girlie calendars. I’m pretty sure the Currier
and Ives mentioned in “Sleigh Ride” were actually early nudie photographers.
The more you know, right?
Right.
I enter on the first floor because
that’s where the store I needed to go to used to be. Last year. Since then, it
has seen fit to further my rage with the mall during the holidays by moving ALL
THE WAY to the third floor. Bloody hell. Since I have some walking to do, I
decide to put myself squarely in the river of holiday shoppers to see what I discern.
Maybe I am missing something here. Maybe I have been wrong all these years, and
I just need some time to see the true beauty of the holida…..
Nope, no, fuck it. I see people
clearly spent. I see grown men wandering around like they are zombies. I see young children running about loose. Their parents
probably just leave and let the mall work that problem out.
"Mommy said to stay."
I walk by the court where Santa
and Mrs. Claus are. Does Mrs. Claus have a first name? Doris? Phyllis? Beyonce?
I don’t know, so we’ll just call her Mrs. C. (On an unrelated note, I used to
have a teacher we called Mrs. C, but her last name certainly wasn’t Claus
ifyaknowwhatImean.) The Claus’ are true pros; they are smiling and seem
genuinely happy. I imagine it’s because they roofied each other at the start of
their shift, and they know in less than a week they’re vacationing in the Keys.
I wind my way around to the escalators to get to the third floor. As I get to
the third floor, I am shocked about how you never hear of any jumpers in this
mall. I can’t imagine there are many three story malls left these days. And
this is certainly the time of year for that sort of thing. I wonder if ‘mall
security’ is trained to even spot potential jumpers. I mean, I was openly
sobbing like a widow for a good twenty minutes, and no one ever checked on me.
I compose myself and walk past the Bath and Bodyworks store. I see about half a
dozen husbands just staring down at the first floor. The mall might want to
move this store down to the first floor, just sayin'.
"This....is...bullshit."
Like an assassin, I was in and
out. And I wish I was an assassin, because I could have used a firearm in the
parking lot. While it wasn’t overly crowded, drivers were still finding
creative ways to be assholes. Parking, not using turn signals, not looking when
they pulled out in traffic. I think the best thing most people can get for Xmas
is a freaking clue.
So I had escaped the saddest place
during Christmas. I feel lucky, for all I know, there could be folks that just
get trapped there and never leave; doomed to never find where they parked their
car or desperately trying to redeem their mall bonus points for something at
Orange Julius. I can rest easy; for the half naked girl on my calendar says I
don’t have to go back for another year.
Hey man, we need to talk. I know you’re not quite here yet,
but there’s a few things you need to be aware of. 2016 was kind of a cruel
bitch. Much pain, unrest, death, and general assholery. In one respect, even if
you don’t change a damn thing, you will be remembered far more fondly than 2016
ever will. Conversely, you open up right with the Inauguration and-regardless
of political affiliation-this event alone will cause you much consternation. So
yea, you kinda can’t slack off. Don’t worry, I’m here to help. And I, like,
know things and stuff.
I have hope for 2017.
Now to be fair, 2016 gave us some highlights. Sports gave
Cleveland-Cleveland! a championship.
The Cubs ended their 200 year drought and won the World Series. John Scott
showed true class during the NHL All Star weekend. Also, Jimmie Johnson and his
brand of vanilla racing won his 7th NASCAR Championship, thereby
tying most championships with the legends Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt.
Rumor was smoke and a violent spinning sound was heard from Earnhardt’s grave.
On a personal level, 2016 was pretty much shitball
sandwiches for good ol’ Kev after August. But hey, pain and suffering make for
better writing, right? Right!? Sure, I won a fantasy football league, as well
as the NHL pool. Big money! I also got some great travel in and rewarding music
experiences.
So, 2017, in case you aren’t too aware, 2016 was pretty
cruel with the celebrity killing and what not. Particularly with musicians, and
‘16’s work ethic has it pretty much working right till the end of the year. What
I’m saying is that maybe you might want to even the scales a little bit? I’ve
put together a little list-just suggestions, really-of maybe some people you
might want to send to the great beyond. In no particular order:
Bill Cosby
Pharma Bro
Kony (Seriously, like how did 2012 let that slip by?)
Roman Polanski
2 Pac
That douche bag ex-boss who fired me when I was hurt
Pierre McGuire
Justin Bieber
Please leave Keith Richards and Ric Flair alone, because
someone has to bury all our great-great-great-great-great grandkids. WOOOOOOOO!
Somebody's gotta take Betty White to Space Mountain in 2067. WWWOOOOO!
Additionally, kill off all the smokers. How are people still
smoking in your year, 2017? It seems to me I am seeing more smokers these days.
How is that even possible? Additionally, all smokers are litterbugs. On that
alone, they need to be purged. You can also dispatch with the vapers if you see
fit.
Early indications also lead us to believe the weather will
be worse. But I like the warm weather, so let’s just keep it moderate, eh? We’re
all cool with more flip flop weather and especially a longer bikini season.
Look, I'll be honest here. I feel like a pig for using pictures like these but they drive up traffic and it's just good business, damn it.
If you would prefer to be known as 20Kevinteen, I’m cool
with that, too.
2016 was rocking with the Super Moons. It felt like every
other moon was super. Don’t know how that shakes out for you, but people seemed
to enjoy that sort of thing. So maybe some meteor showers, shooting stars or
UFOs or something? And maybe you should be the year that we see definitive
video proof of the existence of ghosts. You have roughly 97 ghost hunting shows
on basic cable, so your choice. Just not Ghost Adventures, that show is
horribly entertaining as it is. Go figure, it’s apparently 40 year old dudes
keeping Hot Topic in business.
"Ummm......no."
Politics-fuh-you’re kinda fucked there. It’s going to be tumultuous
Presidency that starts right off the bat. A lot of people are very nervous about
‘what happens now.’ Please guide us with patience, foresight, calm,
understanding, common sense, peace and somehow follow up those awesome Joe
Biden memes. That might be your only hope.
"Oh shit! 2016 is looking!"
Music-we will need great music. Please favor us with righteous
tunes from our favorite artists. Please introduce us to people who will be our
next favorite artists. Please destroy all Clear Channel towers. How can you run
a weak ass slogan like “I Heart Radio” where all the music sounds as pleasant
as dinosaur abortions? Get rid of Auto Tune and please replace with talent and
ability.
Maybe, on just a personal note, have the Avalanche win The
Cup? I’m pretty sure that will truly bring Peace on Earth. Just sayin’. At
least keep finding creative ways to fuck with Philadelphia fans. That shit
never gets old, and Philly fans are the worst. Please continue to bless Bills
fans however, as their drunken shenanigans are the highlight of my Sunday
mornings before 1. No one cares what you do with baseball or basketball, so
have at it
.
I see July 4th is a Tuesday with you. Can you
maybe switch that out to a Friday or Saturday? Maybe swipe a February 29th
from 2020 or something? Sluttier costumes for Halloween (also a Tuesday BTW)
would make everyone happy as well.
I have no idea what's going on here, and I probably never will.
I'm not sure I am exxpressing my point enough
True story; it took me 2 hours to write this and 5 days to do the pictures.
Have Kevolution Theory turn into my full time job. Or have
peace on Earth. You can only choose one, and both have about the exact same
chance of actually happening.
Here’s an easy one for you. Have all shelter animals find
their forever homes. In exchange, please render oil, cable, bank, airline,
health insurance CEOs homeless. Fair trade. Also, I would like access to their
organs, because we will all need donors.
Have “vineyards” pronounced as it should be; “vine” and “yards.”
Not “vinyards.” That just makes it sound snooty. I think it was just a bunch of
rich silver spoon assholes wanting to sound all haughty. How come the song isn’t
“Heard It Through the Grapevin?” Because it’s pronounced “vine” with the “e” at
the end. Also, “vase” is pronounced “vaze” not “vaz” and don’t even get me
started on “refurbished.”
So you see, 2017, this is not a complete list, but certainly
a good place to start. It’s almost like this is such a good bit, it might pop
up from time to time as you journey on. I am sure you will give me a lot to
write about.
Guys, we need to talk. And by guys, I mean the men amongst
us. Ladies, as always you are free to read. Because I’m gonna kinda blame you
for this as well. So you may want to stop InstaGramming for .2 seconds and
maybe lend your opinion.
I have noticed a trend on the Book of Face recently that is
pissing me off. Actually, there have been a lot of trends on FB that are
pissing me off; car selfies chief among them. A close number two is people who
apparently have the free time to post 10 or more things on their page. I’m
unemployed and spend an inordinate amount of time on my PC most days of the
week and even loser me don’t gots that kind of time.
Enough with the Word Porn shares, men. You broads take it
easy, too. But there’s been a noticeable increase in dudes-who ain’t
young-reposting this Word Porn shit. Enough. Stop it. You look childish and
silly.
Yes, I know me saying “Enough with any kind of porn” is
startling, as it should be. I don’t know how Word Porn started, or if/how they
are making any money off all this, but fellas, knock it off.
It kills me to actually show some examples, since I am
pretty sure your news feed is clogged with this horse shit numerous times a
day. But for those lucky few who have no idea what I’m talking about, below are
some examples of Word Porn’s that routinely make the rounds:
The funny gay, not any other gay.
I don’t know where these Word Porns (now to be referred to
as WPs) come from, or who started them or why. Some appear to be directly credited
as coming from ‘Word Porn.’ Others are quoted to authors, poets, writers,
musicians and other types who I am sure are generally embarrassed their work
has ended up like this. They are put into a standard, cookie cutter format
and-viola-they clog up your feed. I hope WP isn’t a real company, making real
money. K Theory has been churning out funny, cutting edge material for YEARS
and ain’t made a damn dime. Not that I’m jealous. Or bitter. Or poor. Or hungry. Or angry…
Here’s how I envision the WP office if-your religious being
of choice forbid-such a physical office exists. Every employee is a girl of
varying ages. Almost all have dyed their hair, some have flashes of purple or
pink or blue. If they only have one hair color upon hiring, they are issued
bottles of Manic Panic as part of the dress code. Speaking of dress code, it’s
mostly black. Flats are generally frowned upon. Nail polish is encouraged, as
is jewelry. Wearing of bracelets is only defined as “enough to constantly make
a ruckus every time you move.” Eyeshadow is wide, sometimes purple, and
generally garish. (On a personal side note, ‘garish’ is one of my favorite
words, and I need to use it more often.) Pretty much the same dress code for
the one or two dudes that work there.
Cubicles-yes, even the faierieland of WP is a cube farm-are
decorated with angels. All kinds of angels. Not the Disney kind of angels, but
angels like this.
This IS my happy face.
Pictures of cats and people with lip piercings in every cube.
In frames can be found quotes like the following:
I guess this girl is like the top model for this kind of thing.
Music varies from old school (Siouxsie & the Banshees,
Cure) to the newer emo bands that I am thankfully almost totally unaware of.
The carpet is occasionally littered with glitter, angel dust and unicorn hair.
Bathroom lighting is exclusively candelabra. Everybody is actually happy to
work there, but never smiles about it. Might chip their layers of makeup.
Could you imagine if you were a delivery guy and had to
deliver to this place?
Delivery guy enters. “Hey, I have a delivery for you.”
Receptionist lifts her head up, already snarling like he’s bothering her from
watching Cocteau Twins videos. She sighs heavily as she flicks her pen between
her many, many ringed fingers. “Is it the My Chemical Romance box sets we
ordered?” Guy says, “I don’t think so, doesn’t feel like that.” “Hmm, maybe it’s
the hair dye. We just hired two girls.” Delivery guy is tired every interaction
goes like this. “Look,” he says, “can you just sign for the package, Mist? I got
a lot of deliveries today.” She sighs again as she takes his clipboard, “UMM…it’s
MYSTT! How many times do I have to tell you that?” She hastily signs his sheet
with a black gel pen. Delivery guy, let’s just call him Stuart, says, “How…how
can you even tell I said your name wrong?” Mystt says, “It’s pretty easy there,
Stewart.” Stuart says, “Hey you said my name wron..” He stops because his mind
is blown.
Back to the point, many of these ‘original’ WPs seem to
express the point of view of a 7th grade girl.
I write at a 7th grade level, and even I’m embarrassed
to see drivel like this. Let alone there’s dudes, like grown men-reposting
these like it’s a Kermit meme. Well, guess what, it is my business when you’re
making yourself look like a huge douche nozzle.
If you’re a girl, you can kind of get away with it. To a certain age. I would say the cutoff is about 25 or so. By 25 you should realize angels are about as real as mermaids and stop wishing you were either. By 25 your looks start to go, you actually have to work out to stay in shape, hangovers are more vicious, work sucks, people let you down and kvetching about it on FB makes you look like a bitch. Yea, I said it; and it applies if you’re a girl or a guy.
But if you’re a guy and reposting this shit, just gimme your
man card. Hand it right over. I’m not friends with Caitlyn Jenner on FB, but I’m
pretty sure she ain’t posting this shit either. Don’t get all angry at me, I’m
your friend here. All the rest of your “friends” are too embarrassed to tell
you you’re posting such douchy crap. Stop it.
I’m pretty sure there is a WP generator out there that I can
easily make such lameass puke. And you know what, dunderheads would probably repost it. I believe Taylor Swift is secretly writing these WPs anyway. These sound pretty much her speed. I'm guessing she's back on the market? Does she need to get a Tweet from me?
There you have it, guys; solid advice from Bro Kev. Drop the WPs. If you MUST repost stuff, the following would be acceptable:
Advice from The Rock
Pictures of half naked girls
Joe Biden memes
Mannequin challenges-though I think that fad expires on Friday
So there you are. It’s late at night; doesn’t matter if it’s
the week or weekend. Maybe your car is almost on E. Maybe you’ve killed your
buzz safely enough that it’s time to reward yourself with some Funyuns, “anything
that kind of looks like meat and is warm” and a Muscle Milk to balance it all
out. You get out of your car…umm, I meant to say whip, and hello, hello….
You see a vision, a hot chick. Just lounging about the gas
pumps in her “night out” clothes. And I thought this sort of thing only used to
happen on Skinemax. The video goes on for six minutes. And while I am sure some
of you boneheads are thinking, “Too long, not gonna watch” I am sure you
watched videos with hot girls that were a lot shorter than 6 minutes,
ifyaknowwhatImean.
So you might want to invest the six minutes to get all the
jokes, or at least trust me knowing my jokes are gonna be almost as funny
anyway. I’m not going to tell you how to live your life. But seeing as how I am
fascinated watching hot, drunk chicks, I watched the whole thing, and here’s
what I have to say.
Video is narrated by a guy. You would think these kids would
know how to hold their damn phones at this point to get a solid picture.
Landscape, people! The location of this video is unknown, guy-let’s just call
him Tyler-stars narrating. We’ll call the girl Ashley. (Look for their
hilarious webisodes on CollegeHumor.com in a week.)
Ty exits his vehicle (sorry, was just watching Cops) and
sees Ashley semi-seductively stumbling about the gas pumps. It’s unclear how
Ashley (or “Smashley” as her girlfriends no doubt call her while throwing
Skinny Girl martinis down her throat) suddenly materializes. Ty puts on his ‘smoove’
voice, because, let’s face it, this is pretty much shooting fish in a barrel. Why has this never happened to me? I have
spent an inordinate amount of time at convenience stores in the middle of the
night due to poor life decisions. In many cases, those poor life decisions
happened 5 minutes before I got to the convenience store. But, noooo, there’s
no drunken Ashley waiting to stumble into my car, like an angel falling from
heaven.
The smoove leaves his voice as soon as Ash makes a move to
get into his “whip.” So I guess Ty is driving a solid car. The shot darkens as
we hear the horn go off. Tyler is not amused, and probably readjusts his sideways
cap to show as much. Ashley is hanging off the closed driver’s side door, with
a “come hither” look.
She then tries to backwardly slide into the open car window
like a drunken Danica Patrick. Ashley fails, falls onto the ground. Tyler
proves he is not a total jerkoff and tells another customer the gas pumps aren’t
working, but our girl Smash sure is. How any dude can’t at least be amused this
is happening to him is beyond me. Tyler asks if Ashley needs some help, does
she need paramedics “or something?” Just WTF could that “something” be? A
delicious Little Debbie snack cake from the store? A GrubHub? What Tyler, what?
Ashley is only wearing a red tank top (that she is clearly
rocking, BTW), Daisy Dukes and socks-no shoes. You ever wonder where those
random shoes suddenly appear from out on the road? They’re Ashley’s. Tyler
notes it’s cold out and is actually trying to be helpful, asking her her name.
She just looks at him and doesn’t answer. Man, there really isn’t much to NOT
like about a girl like this! Her equilibrium is off as she dips up and down,
then holds onto the car as she moves to the passenger side.
As she moves, I see what appears to be an Impala plate on
the side of the car. Tyler’s “whip” is a Chevy? A Chevy Impala? Yea, it’s
black, shiny and got rims, but I think the guys down at Pep Boys wouldn’t even
classify this as a “whip.” Ashley snakes her way into the car via the open
passenger side window. Huh? Didn’t Tyler say it was cold? And he has both
windows open just to fill up? Ashley starts mumbling about his whip, probably
something like, “Eshvenn Iz know a Shebby Impala ishnt a whhhip.” She tries to
stand up in the front seat. Tyler remains a gentlemen, tell Ash he’s about to
call his sisters over here to “fuck you up.”
Tyler starts dropping the F bombs, then says something in
Spanish. Hmm, perhaps “Tyler” was a poor choice to name him. Too late, he’s
stuck with it. Plus I am far too lazy to re-edit this anymore than I have to.
Tyler storms over to the passenger side, opens the door and tells her to get
the f out. I’m thinking, “DUDE, there are guys that would KILL to stop for a
fill up, and end up with a drunken cutie in their car.” That’s a major pull,
Ty! She stumbles out, Ty continues with the f bombs, and tells her “it’s
already bad enough you already got so many finger prints on my car!” Ugh, one
of these guys.
Tyler goes about filling up, even though he earlier said the
pumps weren’t working. Maybe he was just being a dickhead so no one took the
last of the Premium for his whip. Tyler gives her some life lessons. He continues
to call her dumb, as I’m starting to wonder just where in the hell this camera
is. It doesn’t appear to be him holding his phone, does he wear a GoPro or
something?
Turns out Ashley stole his cigarettes, so Tyler goes to get
them. The cigarettes are a brand I’ve never heard of called Sandia. I guess that’s
the brand all whip owners smoke. Sounds like cheap Indian tobacco to me. Ty
finally turns the camera to him as he now laments the situation he finds
himself in. His name is clearly not Tyler at this point, sorry hombre. I am
positive you are not one of those bad hombres I’ve been hearing about. He
continues to go off on Ashley, as we see her now crawling on the ground like
the girl from The Ring. There’s a story as to how Ash got in this shape and
ended up at this gas station, but we will never, never know.
"Must...get...grape Propel....and....my ..shoes."
Like a drunken zombie (my Halloween costume every year by
the way), Lady A stumbles back to the passenger side, reaches into the whip and
takes his radio! Huh? It’s almost 2017 and they’re still making removable
radios? I know I am not in the whip culture, but this is news to me. She hands
it back to him, Ty gets into the whip. Finally, some of the people who actually
work at the gas station arrive on scene. They were probably watching the whole
time, rolling their eyes because they didn’t want to deal with this shit,
either.
It turns out Ashley broke Tyler’s radio. Now Tyler can’t
listen to his God-awful auto-tuned “music.” He joins with a gas station
employee as they follow Ashley, who is now walking like a teetering penguin. As
they approach her, the video goes Sopranos and suddenly ends.
There are some things we will never know or understand, my
friends. This is one of them.
In case you missed Part One, you can read it here. And even
if you did read Part One, so much has gone on since Monday, you probably forgot
about it already. Whatevs. So the one condition I had was the girl had to be
cute.
Fellas, this is Shenae.
It's like striking out with six girls all at once.
Ah, what a sweet Southern Belle name
Shenae is. Well, it turns out she’s from Canada. And that’s pretty hot, too. If
she looks familiar, it’s because she was on the 90210 “reboot” a few years ago.
(Don’t act like you didn’t watch. And that you still would to Jennie Garth.) In
fact, more cursory research-my favorite kind of half ass research here-reveals
just about all the actresses on the new 90210 have done some of these Xmas
movies. The movie I will toothpick my eyes open for is called Christmas
Incorporated. Description is:
Sometimes, life just seems to hand you exactly what you need
– particularly at Christmastime. In this new yuletide tale, Riley is scraping
bottom when she miraculously lands a job with a wealthy New York City
entrepreneur. He’s a bad-boy socialite type who is poised to play Scrooge by
closing one of his factories just before Christmas, which would devastate and
entire town. It’s left to Riley to talk him out of it and turn him into a man
of virtue rather than shame. But will a case of mistaken identity ruin the
whole plan?
Everything you’d need to know about this “movie” is here.
I guess this dude passes as good looking? I don’t know what
the hell passes for “good looking” with the ladies today. He looks kinda nerdy
and geeky to me, but I am easily jealous. Since I am being judgmental, Shenae was
much better as a redhead. I guess some might say I have a thing for reds. But
the dark hair ain’t working for me, and I will be sure to let her know in the
next 500 Tweets I send to her.
The movie starts at 2 PM. My guess is I will want to start
drinking at 2:05. But that’s OK, because I am unemployed, and pretty much do
that regardless of day anyway. Onto my review and thoughts.
Trust me when I
tell you this will be far more entertaining than the actual movie. I think it’s
gonna take me longer to write my critique of this movie than the hack who
actually wrote it. Note to self; write my own realistic Xmas movie where there
isn’t always the “Xmas miracle” at the end. Get hot chick to star. Ka-ching!
Open, stock shots, of NY, cut to interview. Shenae plays
Riley Vance. Riley gets shot down for a great job because she is unemployed, I feel
ya, sister. She gets a hot tip to interview with William Young, who, of course,
has just inherited his father’s company. Our, heroine, Riley, gets the job, but-shocker-her interviewer confuses her with another Riley (that happens in stripper clubs a lot, too), Riley Van Allen. Our Riley never lets on, and we never know
what happened to Riley Van Allen. Maybe she ended up a corpse on the ID Channel
or something.
Of course, William is contemplating closing down the
flagship factory. Next thing we know, Riley is flying her way to Dover, the
requisite small town being kept afloat by the toy factory. Yup, like this shit
happens in real life. Fill in the blanks, hack writers.
William doesn’t like Xmas of course, so I am with him. Willy
doesn’t fly he wants to drive-his motorcycle. Rebel. On his way into town, William
gets pulled over by what can best be described as the “local-yokel” officer.
William takes his helmet off, and of course, perfect hair. It is noted, he has
no luggage what so ever. Dunderhead William didn’t bring his ID, so he gets
taken to jail. If he can’t even carry ID, how can he run this company? The local paper runs a headline how William already got arrested his first 5 minutes in Dover. I don’t
like his chances….
First commercial break shows an ad for what has to be
another horrible Xmas movie starring another girl I am pretty sure was the brunette in the
new 90210. Is there some sort of clause in their contracts?
It’s 20 minutes in and no drink yet. I think I should get
some sort of chip for this.
Riley takes William to the house she’s rented. He hates Xmas
and demands all the decorations she put up be taken down. You da man, Willy! Not shown, William watching Riley seductively bending and stretching while she writhes to take down all the decorations. At least that how I would have written it.
William says his parents weren’t around for Xmas. Um, yea, maybe because they
were busy running the family toy business and affording your lavish lifestyle,
you dickhead. You don’t deserve my sweet Riley, even with her dark hair.
There’s a nosy town reporter starting to take pictures. This
could be trouble. Rilliam-as I now call Riley and William-head to the factory.
Cue montage of William and Riley touring the toy factory.
Now I’m no expert
here, but when I see the factory is making wood toys, magnifying glasses and
teddy bears, no one should be shocked it’s going under. The cup and ball segment has shrunk since the 1920s. Where’s the drones and
X Boxes and smart watches? At one point, Riley says, “Nothing is impossible at
Xmas time!” I think I just puked in my mouth a little bit. Riley comes up with
an idea that-of course-can lead the factory to profitably.
The town is just happening to have it’s 114th
Winter Carnival. The mayor cajoles William to be grand marshal. It looks like
this ‘carnival’ is taking place in an alleyway, this town really is kinda shitty.
Another local yokel immediately heckles William, and asks if he’s going to
close down the factory. William waffles like a true politician.
Riley gets bummed out that William choked, so she does what
any cute girl does-sit by herself on a park bench. Then a “Santa” just happens to
come by and does what any dude would do in this situation-hit on her. OK, maybe
he really didn’t, as any guy in a Santa suit can be a bit shifty.
In the interest of transparency, I am skipping parts here.
You guys should be thanking me. William runs into the Santa guy, who is clearly
the real Santa, like, duh. I think there has to be a real Santa in all these
Hallmark movies. Another Xmas movie crutch.
Call me nuts, but I think these crazy kids are falling for
each other. That’s a pretty novel twist for a holiday movie, right? Right?
I really didn’t think I could get offended by anything I saw
on TV after the election, but I am wrong.
My seven remaining brain cells are
distraught. Ha, little do they know all the beer will kill them tonight!
After the break, Rilliam are at an ice rink, which is probably
the coldest set in the entire damn movie. They’re getting kinda flirty, but
there’s that nosy reporter with her nosy camera! William starts laying it on to
Riley. William will make dinner for Riley. Take notes here, guys.
"Trust fall!" Catches her by the boobs.
During this commercial break, we (I feel like you’re here
with me now. I even put pants on.) see more previews for shitty Hallmark Xmas
movies. This one was for as big Hollywood star who comes back home and falls
for two small town guys! Drama! I can’t wait to not watch it! I think anymore
is all they do is just hack up all their older movies with the same damn plot and
re-edit them back together.
I also see an ad for SImplyFitBoard.com It’s all just people
swiveling on a board. I shit you not.
Back to whatever this movie is called. Good to know it’s
rated TV-G, since only 5 year olds could enjoy this crap. While having dinner,
William tells Riley she reminds him of his grandmother. Dude! Brah gotta work
on his pick up lines. Nosy reporter takes pictures of them eating and the next
day’s headline asks who his mystery date was. Aren’t there like lost dogs or a
local football team to report on?
While at the factory, William is approached to be in Secret
Santa. He doesn’t know what that is. He draws the youngest girl there. Will is
a hit in this town. Rilliam declare there was no date last night-as they eat
lunch. By themselves. William needs help buying for his Secret Santa. Riley
finally gets William to dish on why he doesn’t celebrate Xmas.
William’s mother died, so his grandmother made Xmas special.
When grandma died, that magic faded, William’s father was too busy running the
damn company. William misses grandma at Xmas, so therefore, he hates it. Sound logic
to me, William. Air high five, you overdramatic bastard.
45 more minutes of this bullshit. I have never wanted Xmas to
come quicker.
William’s company runs Riley on their site as being a new
hire. But, OH NOES!! The company website listed the Riley they thought they hired, not our current
Riley. You know who catches this? That meddling reporter, that’s who. I smell complications!
Riley gets William to read to a bunch of school kids. She
knows he can read; she must be turned on now. That Santa guy reappears. Neither
Riley nor William invited him. They have no idea who this guy is, and don’t
seem concerned that Santa is spending all this time with young children. I am
sure the school will just send a letter home about this “stranger danger.”
Riley says she’s never had a boyfriend past Thanksgiving. I
think this is called foreshadowing. Or she just dated guys that didn’t want to
buy her presents. We’ve all been down that road before.
Fucking 32 minutes for Riley to be exposed as the wrong Riley.
Also, the factory and town need to be saved and Rilliam has to happen. Lots to
tie up. I sense the reporter will bust Riley at the factory or in front of the
entire town. Damn mainstream media.
Do they award Pulitzer's for blogging? Because, damn, I
feel like I am earning it with this one.
After redecorating the house for Xmas, Riley invites William
to Xmas at her parents. That’s her boss still. Totes awk. While at the
factory-called it!-nosy reporter busts Riley in front of William. Riley
confesses, William, now douchey and not taking her cuteness into account, gets
all pissy. Riley leaves, William gets all emo and mopey.
Yet, everyone else can forgive Riley and see how good she
is. William is typically dense, such a dude. Even the freaking mayor tells
William to nut up. The mayor goes on this long, sappy drawn out story about
meeting his wife. In writing circles, we call this the “Oh shit” moment, where
the obvious point finally dawns on a character. I am pretty sure this “Oh shit”
moment happens at just about this point in every one of these damn movies.
William’s all caught up “Riley wasn’t who she said she was.” William must not
be on Facebook. Or Tinder.
Riley retreats home to the safety of her parents’ couch.
Doorbell rings! Guess who? Bill Cosby! JK, just seeing if you’re still paying
attention. It’s William. Rilliam might happen!! I hope he brought her a Sexy
Santa set!
He says he now doesn’t care she “lied,” he needs her to come back to
the factory tomorrow.
To save the factory, William bought the remaining toys. Now
they just need to deliver the toys. While Rilliam is in the truck, he sets her
up with her own business so she can consult on his other companies. The truck
breaks down, and Riley fixes it. Clearly, there is nothing she can’t do, and at
this point, I might take a swing on her.
FFS, the last 5 minutes are mushier than damp bread at the
bottom of the lake. They start making out, camera pans to sky. I’m pretty sure
they broke up before New Years Eve.
Jesus Christ, the Golden Knights? Really? Vegas finally get s pro team-and this si the best they can do? Like it's not already enough that Bettman has decided to get rid of the situation that created the best story in sports this year. Now we're saddled with another horrible team name. Have we not learned lessons from the Columbus Blue Jackets? How does that name get through marketing in the 2000s? Probably the same way the XXX gets through.
But I am not the type to bitch about the problem without offering a few solutions. So, here are my far better names for the new NHL Las Vegas expansion team.
Las Vegas Bone Rollers (rolling dice is often called Roll The Bones
Las Vegas High Rollers
Las Vegas Rollers
Las Vegas Bay City Rollers
Las Vegas Strip
LV Strippers
LV Conventioneeers
LV "Yes, I'm Really Singles"
LV Luck
LV Pit Bosses
LV Mafia
LV Late Knights
LV Champones
LV Quebec Nordiques (let's just cut to the chase here)
I had been noticing a strange phenomenon on my cable
recently, since before Halloween, actually. I mean aside from the fact
Springsteen was right and there’s 257 channels and nothing on. How is that even
possible? How can I have this many channels, and still not find anything good to
watch? If it wasn’t for football, hockey, and a true handful of shows I like to
watch, I would cut the damn cord. Anyway, apparently I have some channels that
show nothing but Xmas movies. 24 hours a day, seven sad, sad days a week. What
the effing eff? Is this why my cable bill is so high?
Why does Xmas get this much attention? Why not my beloved
Halloween? There are a ton of cool, vintage horror movies out there, and more
than enough since the slasher genre happened in the late 70s. Why can’t I have
a couple channels of just horror movies for the month of October? They can take
any of the 103 channels I never freaking watch. Is it too much to spend a few
hours every fall with Vincent Price and Jigsaw?
"NO! Not the Heat Miser already!"
It’s been a while since I’ve written anything for myself. So
what better way to bust out of a slump than to torture myself? That’s always
funny, right. Right!?! Geez, the things I do for you guys. So, maybe it’s time I
see for myself what one of these Hallmark/Lifetime Xmas movies is all about.
I will watch a Hallmark Xmas movie.
The good news is this is one less person to buy presents for.
You guys pick yourselves up from the floor yet? Yea, OK.
Good
Now, I have done some cursory research-my favorite kind of
half ass research, don’t cha know--and I think all these Lifetime/Hallmark
movies have the same general plot. Cute, single chick meets handsome (I guess)
dude with a secret why he doesn’t like Xmas. One of them might own a business.
If it’s the girl, it’s a struggling business (like, duh, of course, she’s a girl!), and handsome dude’s company is threatening
to put her out of business. Another hackneyed angle is the dude runs a business
(usually a family business, often inherited) that is directly tied into Xmas;
sells Xmas trees, a toy company, etc. His business is located in a small town
where, of course, it’s the main source of employment for the town. And dude
wants to shut it down because he has a penis and it’s evil. So he has to come
to Christmasville or whatever, to shut it down. Said hot chick appears. She
either lives in the town or works for his company. And, goddamn it, she’s just
the one to save the town and admit her love for the dude 10 minutes before
credits roll. Book it, done.
Often, the dude is so stone stupid, he can’t even see cute
chick is falling for him. He might even-gasp!-start dating another trollop. I
think there’s gotta be some shitty writing factory where they just hand out Mad
Lib type outlines, and poor schmucks who can’t make any money writing their own
blog have to fill out the blanks. Get a chick who used to be on One Tree Hill
attached, and it’s green lit.
Naughty and nice.
OK, but I at least get to pick what dreck I am going to
subject myself to. And if there’s anything that can make anything tolerable, it’s
hot girls, so I get to pick. I have noticed that many of these movies star a
certain tier of actor. Like not super-famous, but maybe was on a hit show a few
years ago. In fact, more cursory research-my favorite kind of half ass research
here-reveals there’s like a whole collection
of actresses who apparently just do shitty Xmas movies now. Lacey Chabert
"Hey! Eyes up her...ah, never mind."
"My jacket conveniently hides my boner!"
does
about three a year it looks like. Teri Polo, Danica McKeller,
"I hear you like math. You + me= 15 seconds."
Candace Cameron
Bure, Alicia Witt. I guess it’s smart money. Suffer through one movie, and it
runs a billion times every year, and they probably get a nice royalty check.
These movies are my horror movies. After watching this, you
broads better not ever bitch EVER when your guy wants to watch a horror movie.
Actually, the two types of movies aren’t all that different. More often than
not, a cute girl and her boobs is the main protagonist (look it up) in both
horror and holiday movies. At times she will display poor judgment; i.e. run to
the basement or fall for her boss. Holiday movies, though, are far more
predictable. The factory will stay open, the town will be saved, Xmas will
happen, the couple will fall in love. Every
time. Why can’t someone make a dark Xmas movie? Maybe the factory closes,
maybe the girl decides she doesn’t like the dude. Maybe that strange angel
character was just a drug fueled illusion this whole time. That’s not how
holiday movies work, apparently. But they should every once in a while.
And now I will subject myself to the sheer torture that has
to be a Hallmark Xmas movie. There needs to be a word for dread; just a hundred
times stronger. ‘Cause that’s what I’m feeling right about now. Wish me luck,
and I hope to not be the shell of a person I expect to be afterwards. The movie
review itself will be up on Black Friday; my gift to you.
“What? A God post? And a job post? Kev, you said you weren’t
gonna do these posts!” Well, yes, but I swear, this isn’t gonna bum you out. Stay
with me here.
One saying that has been running through my head a lot
lately is, “Nothing changes if nothing changes.” It’s one of those sayings that
is just so simple, yet so true, especially these days. Unemployment has not
been growing on me. This sitting home, staring at a computer screen all day is
starting to drive me nuts. (Except when I’m writing, of course.) I don’t know
how people who work in a cube farm do it all day. You really need 4 years of
college to type on a computer?
I am addressing my networking skills. Like, as in meeting
real human people networking skills. Here’s the rub. I hate meeting new people. Yea, that’s something you don’t put on
the resume or say on the interview. I’ve realized a few things from my last
job. I had to rely on some pretty sketchy characters to get my job done
correctly. I’d much rather live and die based on my own skills. I think that’s
why I love writing; I can do it by myself, and it all comes from me. It’s a
dream job.
"Dang it, I knew I should have stayed at a Holiday Inn Express."
But it ain’t payin’ the bills, and for some reason, the
mortgage company doesn’t like to get paid in jokes. I’m really not worried yet
because I have two perfectly healthy lungs. I’m pretty sure I can find one a
deserving home on Craig’s List. Coincidentally, I also have two kidneys and two livers. Um, no, actually, check that last one; I will need two livers. So in trying to mix things up from my last stretch
of unemployment, I have decided to actually spend more time with strange people
in my same situation. I’ve been attending a job group every week, as well as
taking workshops and classes on resumes, elevator speeches, LinkedIn, etc.
In keeping with my do something different theme, tonight I
went to a new job group. In a church. Yes, it’s come to that. Now even though I
look like Jesus, I can’t tell you the last time I’ve been into an actual
church. I was half expecting the holy water to catch fire and whatnot.
"The job club? Yes, it meets downstairs."
This meeting of the buckets of unemployables takes place in
the church basement. I notice right away a creepy smell, I can’t quite describe
it. Formaldehyde? Chloroform? The basement is cold and stark, built of concrete
blocks. It reminds of a place clowns break into at night to boil and eat all
the little children.
"Why, yes, we are the Three Wise Men."
“First, let’s start with a prayer.” “Aw, geez,” I think, “I
was told this was nondenominational. I know I’m the new guy here, and look like
Jesus. Please don’t ask me to lead.” Someone from the steering committee (I don’t
know what that is, but there’s like 4 of them in the group. Maybe they’re there
to steer us wayward heathens back to the church?) says a quick, generic prayer.
There is a skinny, older guy at the table across from me. He
is that type that always has something to say. There is a speaker for the group
tonight, and skinny older, white polo shirt tucked into shorts guy goes on and
on about how good the speaker is. He’s seen the speaker before. I’m getting a
weird vibe off this shirt tucked in guy. I can’t (and ultimately never could)
tell if he is a job seeker or another steering committee member. He’s one of
those types that seems to answer the speaker’s every rhetorical question.
Before the presentation starts, polo shirt tucked in guy
takes gum out of his mouth, wads it up and sticks it to the cardboard top of
his note pad. At some point during the evening, he puts the gum back in his
mouth.
The speaker can do one of two presentations, and debate breaks
out about whether or not we want the Linked In presentation or “finding your
dream job” presentation. A nightmare
scenario unfolds in my head:
Instructor “So, Kevin, what would your dream job be?”
Me “Um…writer…”
Instructor “Hey, that sounds great! What kind of things
would you like to write?”
Me “Um, like….adult humor….”
Instructor (clearly not seeing where this is going) “What do
you mean, adult humor?”
Me (mindful I’m in the basement of a fuc… um..freaking church)
“Umm…rather blue humor. Pretty sure I break the 4th Commandment a
lot. I’ve written pieces with the c-word in them. And I don’t mean Christ.”
Instructor (pointing) “Get out.”
Fortunately, the nightmare scenario is avoided, as group
votes for Linked in. I am not surprised when much of the advice given in this
Linked In presentation directly conflicts with much of the advice given in my
last Linked In workshop. This happens a lot. The speaker notes how important it
is to have a good photo, and shows us his photo. Which is clearly from a few
years ago. I quickly change mine to Channing Tatum.
Next week, I hope to take a resume class at a synagogue.
