Lady Gaga Super Bowl 51 Halftime Review

I am a football fan, yes. But I am not a Lady Gaga fan. I don't think I could name one song outside of "Poker Face." So what is the take of a football fan watching Lady Gaga for the first time? I guess the halftime at the Super Bowl is a good an opportunity as I will get.

I am not enthused by the Tiffany commercial. This already tells me she is not like me. No one has really connected with me a a Super Bowl halftime show since Left Shark. I love how people say they are "too this" or "too that" and they shill for a high end jewelry company. Yup, makes sense. 

She's starting out on top of the frigging stadium? OK, that's cool, And singing a medley of American songs. Somewhere Sting and Shawn Michaels knows how she gets down. That's a lot of fucking faith in those wires. 

I don't know what bloody song she's doing now, and I am OK with that. I am pretty sure all the kids on the field have no idea what a on side kick is. And if I was a player I'd be pretty pissed that the field is most likely getting trashed right now by a bunch of Little Monsters wearing heels and jumping up and down.

The handheld keyboard is such an underused instrument. Maybe Kimmel should have played that in high school instead of the clarinet.

It seems like her hair is growing during the performance. These songs are all starting like they are from the same soundtrack of a teen movie. The part where the girl thinks she lost the guy, but anyone with half a brain knows they are totally getting together. 

I don't know what I watched, but it was inoffensive enough to not piss anyone off. Now be sure you inspect the field, because I am sure the Patriots are up to some shenanigans in the second half.

So, Last Night I was Drunk and Went Shopping on Amazon

I think we’ve all pretty much have had Saturday (or this coming Monday) mornings like this:

“Oh, God, what did I drink last night? Was that really a fishbowl of Harvey Wallbangers? And who drinks Harvey Wallbangers anymore? All right, let’s take stock of the current situation. Where. Am. I?” Slowly, cautiously looks around. “My bed. OK, this is good.” Swings legs off of bed onto floor. “Oh God! Is that vomit? Is that really vomit?” Yes, it really, really is vomit. This is bad. “Wait a minute, is that corn? I haven’t eaten corn for three months! Not my vomit. Good. Somebody else is cleansies. Now let me check my phone. Oh shit, the battery is almost drained! WhatdidIdo? Whatdidido?” Plugs in charger, screen is smudged with what appears to be queso. “Let me check texts.” No drunken texts. “Whew. Oh God, Facebook! WhatdidIdo?” Facebook is clear. “Oh God Twitter! What did I Twee… ppffttt, just kidding, no one tweets anymore.” Checks what windows are open. “Hmm…GIS sexy neighbor…nope, that’s not her. Huh. Amazon is open. Oh God. What. Did. I. Do? Much like a bad Celine Dion song, it’s all coming back to me now.”

What? You’ve never had a morning like this? Only me? (Awkward pause.) Sooooo anyway….
 Apparently I went drunk Amazon shopping last night. Now, it’s up to me to fashion some sort of story as to how I purchased a seemingly bunch of random things. There really should be some sort of safeguard on Amazon so this doesn’t happen. I remember reading a story I just made up how approximately 9% of Amazon’s profits come from drunk shopping. BTW, pro tip from your old bud Kev Theory-Honey. Your reckless spending won't be as bad. Theoretically.

We’ll start at the top. I distinctly remember shopping Amazon for a new trimmer. My old one is pretty busted, and it’s time to do some manscaping. I hope to one day shave images into my face to distract from the overall ugly.

I still have illusions of growing one of those long, thick beards that are in vogue with hipsters and bald guys who can’t grow hair anywhere else on their head. I can tell when my meager “beard” gets a little too shaggy when I take a drink of Malibu and diet, and I can still taste it five minutes later. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. It’s like drinking twice. I seemed to also pick out a model that vacuums as well. Ah, always thinking. And it’s not lost on me I’m apparently not the only one thinking about manscaping.

Dale forever. Suck it, junior.

Again, apparently I am not the only one thinking ahead here.

OK, this isn’t too bad. I admit, this is where I begin to brown out, but I am super sure I am still a responsible shopper who only buys the absolute necessities. What else is in the cart?

I think it’s kinda lipstick on a pig kinda thing at this point, but cool. Aww, well look at Buzzed Kev, looking out for the mess that is Everyday Kev. I find this inspiring, like subconsciously, I’m telling myself I am handsome, desirable, confident and secure. Way to go, Buzzed Kev! I am anxious to see what’s next in the cart.

What the fuck, Buzzed Kev? That’s just mean! I am pretty sure (judging by the empty Skinny Girl Sangria bottles-don’t judge- by the Lazy Boy) the black out is settling in. I feel like we’re taking a turn here. Buzzed Kev is now Drunk Kev.

Oh, FFS Drunk Kev. Drunk, Lonely, Horny Kev. Well, at least the reviews make this seem like a semi sensible purchase.

And to be fair, I have always found the sensation of a boob in my hand seems to make stress disappear. And twenties. Lots and lots of twenties disappear. I went to a strip club once and found glitter in my wallet the next day. My empty, empty wallet. But that’s for another post. What else is in the cart?

Sweet! If I had to have one replica wrestling championship belt it would be ECW. And 65 bucks seems like a fair price. Wait, it’s a kids belt? GD it Drunk Kev, get your shit together. How is this supposed to impress the lady folk? It’s gotta be a pretty wasted girl that believes I am a real wrestling champion. Sigh, this belt will never get glitter on it. I haz a sads.

Awww, Drunk Kev, you still get me. And that’s a damn good price for 18 boxes of tissues! Way to pull yourself back together, DK! We are best buds!

Oh. Dear. God. Bloody hell. Drunk Kev just played me. Wai…$2300!! FFFuuuuuuuuucckkk me. Wait. Cumisha is in it? Well, then, this is a total waste of money. Amazon will be getting a very angry call shortly. After I get all liquored up again to complain about shelling out 23frigging hundred dollars for porn. Porn is free these days. This is bad. Very bad. There should be some sort of automatic warning triggered in Amazon whenever you try to blow a ton of dough on worthless shit. Did I already tell you guys about that article I read about how 9% of Amazon’s profits come directly from drunken shopping? Right now, I think it’s up to 14%. MFers. I’d like to say it can only go uphill from here, but….

WTF?! I already bought those! GGGRRRR. These are getting regifted for Xmas. You’re welcome, Dad. Oh, look, there’s more stuff in my cart. How freaking late did I stay up last night wasting money?

I don’t even fish.

I don’t even know how I got here. But ladies, here is the takeaway. This look is HAWT. I have a pair to sell you cheap. Real cheap. HMU. WTF, One item left. BTW, y’all should note I use smile.amazon and you should, too. It’s a great way for your reckless Friday night purchases to help various causes. So…

Yup, makes sense.

The Dumb And Dumbest Jim Carrey Quote

Sweet Baby Jebus, is this Jim Carrey quote even real? I know our social media feeds are littered with inspirational life quotes we all hear in our head as being read by Morgan Freeman. And I know I’ve written about this type stuff before, but here’s another quote that just got under my skin, and I have exactly 58 minutes before hockey starts, so another quick and dirty post. Here is the quote in question:

Really?

Let’s break this utter cowshit down in parts.

“I hope everybody could get rich and famous…”

"I don't need a bat, plus I rock purple lipstick."

Look, I am not belittling Jim Carrey himself here, per se. He paid his dues honing his comedy chops for years in dingy comedy clubs to earn all his success. I would imagine most of us have been entertained by him at some point: In Living Colour, Ace Ventura, Mask and Kick Ass 2. (I mention KA2 because it’s a great under rated movie. And Night Bitch. Yum. Yea, you heard me, Harley Quinn.)  

He’s worked for everything he has. I believe most of us, in our own ways and our own jobs, work for everything we have. Except most of the bosses I’ve ever worked for, who have been raging assholes. Anyway, when I get the chance, I will always opt for money over fame. Unless Kate Beckinsale is in the room, then I might opt for fame. But until that blessed event occurs outside my whiskey fueled delusions, I will take money every time. Money lasts far longer if you are smart about it. Fame generally comes and a lot of times, goes. I could do a lot of nice things with fame, but I can’t pay my mortgage 15 years later after my 15 minutes of fame runs out. Money I can invest to create more money. Money can make me comfortable the rest of my life. Money can get me a beach house with a gym. Money can allow me to give money to charities and causes I really believe in. Like the Fund To Get Kevolution Theory A Beach House With a Gym, And Maybe A Writing Room. Like, how cool would it be to go to a charity event, and wrap a couple hundred dollar bills inside a few singles, then slip it in the donation box? I am pretty sure Karma would smile down upon me, and oh my God, is that Kate Beckinsale standing right over there?

I have seen every Under World movie, but I can't tell you the plot of any of them.

“…and have everything they ever dreamed of…”

Again, this is all nice sentiment. I don’t know, Jim, I have some pretty whacked dreams, so to hear some celebrity is pulling for me is kind of sweet. Thanks, Jim I dream of owning a helper monkey. I dream of world peace. I dream of clean oceans. I dream of no more auto-tune, how to play the guitar, to own an original arcade game of Mario Bros., an Avalanche Stanley Cup in my lifetime and benching more than half my weight. But, you know, mostly that world peace and clean ocean type stuff.

“…so they will know that its not the answer.”

Even the Answer can tell you the answer is not practice.

Really, Jim, seriously?? Well, then FFFUUCCKKKKK YYOOUUUUU. Please explain how any of the above would not only be the answer for me, but for a lot of other folks? I would never work another day in my life, not worry about a GD thing and also take care of the world around me? I don’t know who you think you are, young man, but this quote is utter bullshit and offensive. I love when all these celebrities-who are already rich and famous-say ignorant nonsense like this. Again, not knocking any celeb at all here-well, at least the ones who struggled, sacrificed and worked for their money and fame-but to the every day ham-and-egger that is busting their ass, this quote is offensive. I am pretty sure the single mom who works three jobs to support her kids would argue with such a statement. I know plenty out of work writers who don’t even have a real job that you could trade places with and see how stupid that quote is.

Quick research seems to indicate this Jim Carrey quote is, in fact, legit. If you haven't been thoroughly entertained by this post, go Google that quote, and read every other idiot's interpretation of it. That's a follow up post for another time. Right now my 58 minutes are up, the game is on and I'm all jazzed up on three chocolate bars. Oh, and this.

"Ahh, Kate, I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave."

Resolutions I Am Planning To Break in 2017

(OK, OK so it's already January 2nd, and I am just now getting to a resolutions post? Well, sometimes that's how the cookie crumbles. And if's it's anything like the multitude of Xmas cookies I have been housing, this post will be delicious! Honestly, this was mostly written and in the can a few days before NYE. But I didn't think it was good enough. And then NYE happened, and, well, we all know how that goes. Now that I have fully slept off my hangover, I slapped a fresh coat of paint on, and we're ready to go.)

The obligatory New Years’ 2017 resolutions post. Did you guys even notice I had TWO posts for your Xmas reading pleasure? What better way to get you into the spirit than by hearing some original Xmas tunes and some cool covers? And how many presents did it get me? ZILCH. I think for Xmas next year, I’m going to ask for grateful readers, you heartless goblins. Now a week later, we’re all looking down the barrel of 2017. Everyone’s busy making New Years’ resolutions. In fact, as of this writing, if you Google ‘best 2017 resolutions’, you will only have about 181,000,000 articles that match up. Well, I guess make that 181,000,001. Pour the coffee.

Here’s the thing. I don’t believe in New Years resolutions. I tried to make some last year (and it’s a good thing I reread this, as I was unconsciously using some of the same jokes.) And I’ve pointed out the uselessness of making NY resolutions all together. But yet, like sheep, we continue this inane practice. “Next year, I’m gonna be perfect, GD it!” As my personal friends know, I’m as close to perfect as one can get. But there’s all kinds of news stories and articles and blog posts about making resolutions. We never seem to learn. The resolutions generally never seem to change, and we generally find new ways to tell ourselves we suck. Yay traditions!

I’m sure as this year winds down and celebrities are desperately hiding from the Reaper for the next few days, most of you are busily scribbling down resolutions for yourselves. So I guess to feel at one with the humanoids, I will also try to come up with some of mine. The thought here being that my resolutions are probably far better and more creative than your stupid efforts to “finally run a 5K” or “bring reusable bags to the Piggly Wiggly."

Here are my best resolutions for 2017. And since my main source of income these days is to rescue recyclables from the trash and trade them in for money on scratch off tickets, I am also handicapping the likelihood of my resolutions actually working out on a scale of 1 to 10. If you don’t understand that, then you are also probably reading fake news sites.

Be More Timely With Posts. I know, I know, it's already January 2nd. I'll get better. For example, I am already halfway through my President's Day post.

Chance 7/10

Actually Get A Dollar for Writing This year I thought I had a real gig that would pay me real money. Like, maybe even enough to afford one imported beer at non Happy Hour prices. Newsflash; writers get paid shit, even less so to write on line. I’m going to try to learn about this whole SEO thing, and how to get eyeballs on my own blog, and attempt to write a bit more snarky current event things. I truly do enjoy writing, but the return on investment can suck balls.

Here’s what writing is like. Spend a few hours (and usually more writing, rewriting, editing, adding and captioning pics) when I could be doing other things. Post it, link to it from FB and Twitter, maybe get 40 reads. Barely a comment, barely a like. Yet I will run into people IRL who tell me how much they enjoy my stuff. Why do people throw encouragement around like it a manhole cover?

Yet some dipshit posts yet another lame car selfie, and it gets 80 likes in half a minute. Yup, that nonsense really inspires me. 

"I'mma just gonna take one quick selfie because my hair looks fresh going 60 MPH."

Chance of making even one dollar writing in 2017 1/10

Finally Shred Down to 6 pack abs

Chance 0/10 Next!

Down Six Packs

Chance 149/10

Achieve Enlightenment

Chance 0/10. Put the pipe down, Kev.

Manage to Hurt Myself Less 2016 was a great year for bleeding and bulging discs.

Chance 8/10

Read More Books Since losing my last job, I have had more time to get back to reading. And I’ve been really enjoying it. I find (if the book is good enough) reading can help level me out on a particularly stressful day. It can also serve to inspire me to write. I find myself picking apart the book, trying to figure out the inspiration for a story, or how the author set something up. Also, I heard reading books makes you more smarter.

Chance 7/10

Listen to My Inner Voice

Inner voice” You know what, Kev, you’re pretty awesome as you are.”

Me “You know what? You’re right! Let’s go get pizza.”

Inner voice “Yay pizza!’

Chance 6/10

Realize There's More Than One Voice In My Head Who just said that!?

Chance 8/10

Put the Damn Phone Down I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve been living on my phone too much. Lately, I’ve gotten better at keeping the phone far away, and just trying to be present in the moment; playing with the dog, reading, writing, watching TV. Man, it really pisses me off whenever I watch a hockey game and I see the fans sitting front row, right behind the glass, right behind the team. And they’re all staring at their phones. Life is what happens when you are not staring at your phone, people.

Chance 7/10

Millennials being millennials. 

Avoid Becoming a Celebrity After 2016, really, who dafuq wants to be famous? A list actors, talented musicians, z list reality stars, no one was safe. So unless Drunk Kev gets spotted in a video that goes viral, I’m feeling pretty good about not getting famous in 2017.

Chance 10/10

Only Acknowledge 2017 as 20Kevinteen Admit, that’s kinda catchy, right? Don’t be jealous your name can’t do that, let me have my moment. Or more specifically, my year.

Chance 3/10

Volunteer More I’m talking about doing something nice for the sake of it. I would like to believe that at least Karma exists, that if you put good out, good comes back to you. And even if it doesn’t come back to you, do good anyway. (And no, I’m not gonna get all hippy trippy on you. What you do with your Chakras and chupacabras is up to you.) Volunteering is ridiculously easy to do. Get your head out of your ass, you selfish son of a bitch. There are plenty of people (and animals) who need you.

Chance 7/10

In the time it would take you to walk this dog, I could totally ruin Sarah McLachlan's day.

I'm sure there's more. But I am pretty hellatight. So if I had to say, I would say these are my resolutions for 2017. Feel free to swipe a few for yourself. The world needs more people like me anyway.

Kevolution Theory Approved Christmas Covers

OK, so in my last post, I boggled your head with some original Xmas songs. I know a lot of you are traditionalists, and really do like the standards. I can appreciate that; to a degree I do, too. But if you think I'm playing Billy Squier or Mariah Carey, you are sadly mistaken. So in this post, I'll lay out some overlooked takes on the songs you've heard a kajillion times.

Best Christmas Traditional Songs

So I will make your first few choices easy, seeing as how you're probably wrapping up last minute shopping or last minute wrapping. Maybe making the cookies, telling your girl to shut the hell up because you're a man watching football during fantasy championship week or into your fourth egg nog. I have found a handful of albums-yes, whole albums-that could bear the Kevolution Theory Seal of Approval once I get around to creating such a thing.

Brian Setzer Orchestra. While this isn't the place for me to rave about how important a guitarist and singer Setzer is (Quick; name another performer who heralded two distinct different styles of music to the main stream other than Setzer. FAIL! You can't.) this is the place for me to tell you pretty much all the BSO albums can appeal to everybody. Sinatra lovers, big band and swing types. There really ins't much in the market like this, and the Squirrel Nut Zippers can go screw themselves. At this point, BSO is reaching into the semi obscure numbers, and this is one of my favorites. Giddy up, partner.

Chris Isaak. OK, this is one of my favorite Xmas albums. Why? Because it sounds like summer. if you're gonna cram a bunch of standards down my throat, at least make it sound like we're sitting on the beach in Baja. So if you're down with that, this is the album for you. Keeping in that vein, here's "Mele Kalikimaka"

(Sidebar, when I hear "Mele Kalikimaka", I can't be the only one that thinks of this, right?)

Merry Christmas indeed! Now, where was I?

Sarah McLachlan. Yea, I know. But here's the deal, (and this is all based on her first Xmas album, not this new B & N exclusive) your girl will pretty much melt if you break this out. It's inoffensive enough to not piss anyone off. And Sarah has a talent and style that sets her contemporaries in the genre. Most of it is mellow, too, so it's a good "I'm drinking alone and getting blasted to these stark Xmas songs" kinda album. Wait. No one else does that? OK, never mind, carry on. Throwing a dart at the board, here's "Christmas Time is Here."

Frank Sinatra. The Chairman, Ol' Blue Eyes. I am a huge Sinatra fan, and his Xmas stuff might just be my favorite. No one does it like Frank. The BSO stuff above is a fine, but it just can't compare with Frank. All his holiday stuff takes you back to such a simpler time; when a dame actually had to slap you in the face to turn you down, no swiping left. I have just a few actual holiday traditions. One is to tell all the kids in line waiting for mall Santa that he isn't real. But my other favorite holiday tradition is to bundle up at night, and take the Theory Pup out for a walk to look at the lights. And Sinatra's Xmas songs is the only thing I play. "Silent Night" is allegedly the last song he ever recorded. Supposedly, he knew his time was short. Even though "The Voice" had left him, he laid out a beautiful delivery. To flush out the arrangement, they assembled every living member of his bands they could find, under the direction of Junior. Awesome, just awesome.

Twisted Sister. Yes, think what you want, but this is a fun album and it's exactly what you'd expect. Fun video as well, in the vein of Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher." I'm not feeling tardy, either.

OK, so to wrap up; you pretty much can't go wrong with full albums by Sinatra, Brian Setzer Orchestra, Chris Isaak, Sarah McLachlan and Twisted Sister. What's that? You want more? You greedy bastards. Fine, here's some more.

Hands downs, this might be my favorite Xmas song ever. The Pretenders "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." For some reason, I feel their "2000 Miles" cover gets more play, but it blows in comparison. Why do I like this song? Well, because, musically, it doesn't really sound like an Xmas song. And that slide guitar effect isn't something you hear everyday, let alone in holiday tunes. And, man, to me, it sounds freaking depressing. What's not to like?

So, apparently, I only have two favorite Xmas songs? No, I gotz more.

Cocteau Twins are another cult favorite of mine. And either you like them, or you have no bloody idea what singer Elizabeth Frazier is singing about. Which makes sense, since most of the time she was singing gibberish. But, they did two Xmas songs, "Winter Wonderland" and "Frosty the Snowman." Personally, I don't like the Frosty song, but, damn, they make it work. Video is unofficial, but trippy as hell.

Honorable mention for The Smithereens. Another cult band of mine (hey, go get your own blog, then talk about your favorite bands) hailing from the dirty Jerz. Sure, everyone thinks Bruce and Bon Jovi, but The Smithereens held onto a true bar band sound longer than those others. They did the Rudolph double dip, and your intrepid writer slightly prefers this one.

When it's Xmas time, and you think Bryan Adams, you generally think two things. 1) Why dafuq am I thinking about Bryan Adams when I need to buy something for Cousin Eddy and 2) "Something About Xmas Time." And while I will give you, "Something About Xmas Time" is a fine song, everyone seems to forget about this awesome visual of a Canadian singing "Reggae Xmas." I'm guessing this is a cover, since, you know he is Canadian. Pee Wee Herman appearance in the vid, and, GD, Adams sure sounds clear with no mic. Just sayin'.

As far as novelty songs go, this one still cracks me up. Every time. Stations need to play this, and not the Mariah Carey dreck, as I am sure this song will foster more goodwill to man.

Obligatory.

No Xmas celebration is official without my man The Grinch.

So, there you go. A few off beat, obscure Christmas songs you haven't heard a billion times. Now finish that last minute wrapping, find the mistletoe belt buckle, spend time with those that mean something to you and listen to some good music.

Kevolution Theory Approved Original Christmas Music

You guys know me by now. You guys know I hate freaking Xmas. So it's not a huge leap to make the assumption I also hate Xmas music. Well, I do. I mean, c'mon people, how many times do you need to hear "Jingle Bells" before you want to murder an elf? But there's always exceptions. Yes, even though I hate Xmas music, I do know a handful of originals that are actually worth your time. And I know what of I speak, as my musical taste is superior to yours. Far superior. As a barometer, if you think Paul McCartney's "Having a Wonderful Xmas Time" is a good song, just go away and please don't further your DNA. The world has enough problems.

The best original Christmas Songs

So, as I await your gifts to me, in addition to all the humor I have brought to your life in the face of a vicious 2016, I am giving you a few more gifts. Below are KT approved original Xmas songs to freshen up your weary playlists. Be warned, some of these err to the mellow -or too mellow-for some folks taste's. Big surprise, a guy who doesn't like Xmas like sad Xmas songs. You may know some of these artists, you may not. I'm not doing a deep dive on most of this, so the music can do the talking. As far as I known, all of these are originals, though I may be wrong. My favorite covers will be another post, you you jackoffs already owe me TWO presents.Also, I have discovered a strange fetish of GIS "sexy girls in Santa hats." Not every girl can pull it off, but the ones that do? Oh my. Anyway...

"Hi, I'm No, and this is my sister Nope."

I will preface these first few by saying The Blue Nile is absolutely one of my favorite bands of all time. (You heard me Kanye.) Unfortunately, they only put out 4 albums in their 22+ year existence. Most of their stuff is slow, mellow, meloncholy-right up my alley for Xmas. This is a b-side. If you like this, I like you, and it's worth your time to try a few other songs.

Bonus points for the Blue Nile, as this song takes place on Xmas Eve, and I usually find a way to play it. (Like writing about it.) Super mellow and a downer of a song. My favorite style for the holidays.

Slit your wrists yet? No? OK, let's keep the maudlin going. For the life of me, I don't know why this is considered an Xmas song, but it has shown up on a few Xmas compilations in the mid to late 90s, and kills me every time.

Drinking yet? I am. Mad Elf. So let's get to a song about drinking during the holidays by Philadelphia based artist Matt Santry. Bonus points for animated video.

Well, it turns out Santry has another cool Xmas one. Double shot! If you went to Catholic school, you'll appreciate this. If not, you'll be damn grateful.

A sultry little jazzy number here, full of the best entendres-double entendres!

More double shots! Rhode Island based Pat McGee, daring you to find a better Xmas song with a horn and banjo.

And, no, this is NOT the Wham song. That's another song that blows. This one is far better. Go ahead, try to disagree with me.

Heather Nova-another top five of mine that pretty much no one has heard of. She rarely tours America because she lives in the Bahamas, and who would ever freaking want to leave there? Angel of a voice and a cheery song. Bonus points for a fully produced video. There's some truth to the rumor I started that she wrote this song about me.

From angel to devil. It's Spinal Tap and "Christmas With the Devil."Pretty sure my parents make out to this song. Love the Tap. Little known fact about me; I own those same pair of pants as Derek Smalls.

A newer entry for cool new Xmas music. Level of difficulty; contains the Killers and Owen Wilson, neither of who I am a fan of. But Dawes is pretty legit, and that is mostly the sound. Cool video, but-surprise-a bit of a downer.

Welp, that's the best I can do for a quick and dirty holiday type post that writers seem obligated to de. Perhaps a volume two will be in order. Next year.

The Saddest Place During Christmas; The Mall

Whoever said this is the “happ-happiest time of the year” is a liar. A filthy, dirty liar. Well, the blog subtitle is “Saying what needs to be said” and this needs to be said.

So why am I writing a post like this at this time of the year? 1) Because it needs to be expressed and 2) did you really expect anything less of me on Xmas week? This isn’t some fantastical Hallmark Channel movie, kids.

 And really, this is the result of a visit to one of the saddest places on the face of the Earth; the Mall. 

Santa went to the Taco Bell, kids. He'll be back Thursday.

OK, I will frame this by saying it’s Tuesday, December 20^th, about noon. So if you’re at the mall, it’s either on your lunch break or you had to eat a personal day to (start and) finish your shopping. (Or you’re unemployed, but no one cares about the jobless on Xmas.) As I enter the mall (which I haven’t been into in ages), one thing is bloody apparent; no one is smiling. Not one shopper. Not one retail employee. Not. One. Whatever Disneyland is purportedly to happiness, the American Mall Xmas week is the exact same for unhappiness. 

"This...is...bullshit."

It conflicts with my laid back, almost surfer-like attitude. I don’t deal well with the “hustle and bustle.” I don’t like dealing with crowds. It’s just a lot of work for negligible return on investment. All this shopping, hustling and bustling, and Xmas just goes by. I’m left holding some new socks, a full belly and sick of everyone.

So where was I? The mall, right. Apparently, this mall has one of the last remaining Sears in existence. I enter through Sears, where I see a healthy amount of shoppers, and almost zero employees. From here, I enter the mall itself. Where there also appears to be a healthy amount of shoppers, I don’t really know how to tell. And like I said, no one is happy. There’s even jackoffs wearing Santa hats that are unhappy. I’m at the mall because I have to buy a girlie calendar for my brother.

Like, I can't even tell what month this is. But I'm not really complaining.

 It’s tradition that we buy each other girlie calendars. I’m pretty sure the Currier and Ives mentioned in “Sleigh Ride” were actually early nudie photographers. The more you know, right?

Right.

I enter on the first floor because that’s where the store I needed to go to used to be. Last year. Since then, it has seen fit to further my rage with the mall during the holidays by moving ALL THE WAY to the third floor. Bloody hell. Since I have some walking to do, I decide to put myself squarely in the river of holiday shoppers to see what I discern. Maybe I am missing something here. Maybe I have been wrong all these years, and I just need some time to see the true beauty of the holida…..

Nope, no, fuck it. I see people clearly spent. I see grown men wandering around like they are zombies. I see young children running about loose. Their parents probably just leave and let the mall work that problem out.

"Mommy said to stay."

I walk by the court where Santa and Mrs. Claus are. Does Mrs. Claus have a first name? Doris? Phyllis? Beyonce? I don’t know, so we’ll just call her Mrs. C. (On an unrelated note, I used to have a teacher we called Mrs. C, but her last name certainly wasn’t Claus ifyaknowwhatImean.) The Claus’ are true pros; they are smiling and seem genuinely happy. I imagine it’s because they roofied each other at the start of their shift, and they know in less than a week they’re vacationing in the Keys. I wind my way around to the escalators to get to the third floor. As I get to the third floor, I am shocked about how you never hear of any jumpers in this mall. I can’t imagine there are many three story malls left these days. And this is certainly the time of year for that sort of thing. I wonder if ‘mall security’ is trained to even spot potential jumpers. I mean, I was openly sobbing like a widow for a good twenty minutes, and no one ever checked on me. I compose myself and walk past the Bath and Bodyworks store. I see about half a dozen husbands just staring down at the first floor. The mall might want to move this store down to the first floor, just sayin'.

"This....is...bullshit."

Like an assassin, I was in and out. And I wish I was an assassin, because I could have used a firearm in the parking lot. While it wasn’t overly crowded, drivers were still finding creative ways to be assholes. Parking, not using turn signals, not looking when they pulled out in traffic. I think the best thing most people can get for Xmas is a freaking clue.

So I had escaped the saddest place during Christmas. I feel lucky, for all I know, there could be folks that just get trapped there and never leave; doomed to never find where they parked their car or desperately trying to redeem their mall bonus points for something at Orange Julius. I can rest easy; for the half naked girl on my calendar says I don’t have to go back for another year.