The Christmas JackPotLuck Joke Buffet

As most good writers (I guess) I came up with a bunch of jokes, ideas, concepts, etc. that I just didn't have time to flesh out. Blame many things; the hustle and bustle, needy constituents, family get togethers, travelling, black outs, I mean, there's plenty of blame to spread around here, so let's not with the pointing of fingers, eh?

So consider this my late Xmas gift to you. Yes, this is admittedly a half ass post. But two things, here, sport. 1) Even my half ass posts are better than most others' "full ass" posts and 2) WHAT THE FUCK PRESENT DID YOU GET ME?!?? Exactly, so read on you soulless bastards.

Even if the government is shut down on Christmas Eve, you know who' still gonna be working? The mailmen/women. You're GR right, that's their big day.

"Oh, I have a tip for you."
"Great, I'm used to handling small packages!"

So, as I click past the 17 channels that are showing holiday movies 24/7, I can't help but look at some of the lead actresses and think, "Ya know what? I probably would."

Would

You know what I would like to give the world for Xmas? And excuse me, if this a bit of a #VoteForKev2020 post, but I would like to make mandatory that ALL cars come with turn signals. I've been doing a lot of travelling lately, and it seems the closer the Holidays get, the worse the driving gets.I mean, if you're gonna cut through 3 lanes of traffic to barely sneak into that exit that was CLEARLY marked for the last 3 miles, at least use the GD turn signal.
What, what's that? Turn signals are already in ALL the cars!?!?
Well, fffuuuucccckkkk me. So why aren't you assholes using them? C'mon man, a little common courtesy in this holiest of made up holidays.

Here's a pretty cool Xmas medley that is KT approved

And the best new album of new Xmas music as well. JD McPherson

Random Thought; If I wanted to have a rainbow party during the holidays, could I get away calling it a candy cane party?
Asking for someone who already sent out the Evite.

Would

Anyone else finding themselves missing the excitement that was the Bell Helicopter Bowl?

Question for the fellas; is the girl in the GMC red/black commercial growing on you as well? She has a very breathy, porny "Yea?" at the 7 second mark

If you're one of the 5,000 people Chevy just laid off, how steamed are you at Chevy Family commercials?

Where can I get some goddamned figgy pudding? These dang kids won't go until they get some.

They won't go until they get some.

They won't go until they get some. (C'mon, you know you were already singing that in your head.)

Would.

Bowl season the the male equivalent of Hallmark movies.

Is there any Star Wars character Disney hasn't put a Santa hat on yet?

I'm not gonna miss all these freaking Jared commercials. Fellas, can I get a high five here?

Would

I drink my Ovaltine.

Would

I hope you can all come see my Christmas band play this weekend. Our name is Sleigher. (And, yes, I used that joke on FB, but it's just that dang good, I can use it again.)

Topic for debate; when being gifted underwear, do you wear them right out of the box or wash them? I know what I do, but what would you do? Thoughts?

Would

Knock it off with all the Elf memes about Christmas being 364 days away already.

Hey, Let's Just Ban All Xmas Songs!1!

If there’s one thing you’ve figured out about me by now, it’s I hate Xmas. Not pretend, shallow male Lifetime Xmas movie character hate Xmas. No, this is a long standing, battle tested attitude. I will just never understand the love for “the holidays.” Ergo, if I hate Xmas, then it’s a pretty safe bet that I can’t stand Xmas music. I’ve said it before, and I will say it again; “Just how many times does one need to freaking hear Jingle Bells?”

One of the viral stories from this holiday season is the sudden outrage over a little holiday ditty called “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” In case you have a life, story here. Full song lyrics here.

If you’re reading this, you’re probably busy assembling your own attitude about this song, and you want to get an intelligent take. Here’s my take; so you can go into work tomorrow and pretend it’s yours, you sonna bitch.

The song was written in 1944, which is, like, a hundred year ago. And here’s two facts; at no time is there any mention of Xmas in the song and it was written by a husband to perform with his wife. It was written to play at the end of a party to send everyone home. 

I have this hanging 24/7.

Like most ‘classic’ Xmas songs, it’s a relic from a different time. And while I honestly don’t believe it was written to be predatory, times change, we evolve, and lo and behold, now it’s kinda, maybe, a bit not PC. Again, I don’t think there are shenanigans going on here, much of it was the language and social norms of the day. I don’t think the male is trying to spike her drink, keep her against her will, throw her down a hole, rubs the lotion on its skin. This song reminds me of another song from that era; “One More For My Baby (And One More For The Road.)” Some Jersey guy named Frank made it popular. The story of that song is some poor sap ‘bending the bartender’s ear’ about a ‘brief episode.’ The gist is it’s closing time and in addition to asking for one for his long gone girl, he also wants ‘one more for the road.’ And this is another example of how society learns and evolves. Back in the 40s, it was apparently the norm to ask for ‘one more for the road.’ That meant you got another 4 fingers of Scotch, threw it down, got behind the wheel of your Model T, maybe drove through Farmer Joe’s corn field just a little bit and went home. In the morning, everyone would laugh it off, and you’d take the car to the town mechanic to repair. Now we know that is a pretty stupid move, so that phrase has gone the way of CB radio, but it’s still a great fucking song. When do the SJW come for that?

So, what was I talking about?

Oh yea. I think it’s time to just play it safe and ban ALL Xmas songs.

Yes, maybe that’s a bit of a knee jerk reaction. But guess what? If you actually listen to some Xmas songs (like I have for the sake of this post, and I am now scarred for life. See what I do for you guys? Where’s my damn Pulitzer?) I listened to a bunch, and guess what? Each and every one contains something offensive. So let’s bubble wrap everything and protect the snowflakes and get rid of all the Xmas songs. Don’t think we should? Well, as Aerosmith sings, “Read on.” Or I think that’s what they say.

Jingle Bells. Offensive lyrics:

Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh

That’s animal cruelty in 2018 folks. Why are we enslaving such beautiful creatures (looking at you, Clydesdales) to pull our ass around? Haven’t you seen the commercials? We’re all getting new cars for Xmas!

Deck the Halls. Offensive lyrics;

Deck the halls with boughs of holly

Don we now, our gay apparel

You jackals! I don’t know where holly grows, but do we need to rip it from the Earth to deck our halls? Why do halls even need holly? And just how much holly IS a bough? It’s probably too much. And GAY apparel? How the blue hell have the SJW not gone after this song? What is gay apparel? Ha! You’re evil for just even thinking about it, you homophobe! I’m really starting to feel dirty researching this post. (And, no, the Xmas porn I’ve also been “researching” doesn’t count.)

Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer. Offensive lyrics: (oh boy, where do we even start? And this song is relatively new compared to the others)

Grandma got run over by a reindeer

She’d been drinking too much eggnog/And we begged her not to go/But she forgot her medication/And she staggered out the door into the snow

She had hoofprints on her forehead/And incriminating Claus marks on her back

And the blue and silver candles/ That would just have matched the hair in grandma’s wig

To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves

Man, I swear, these songs are dirty. How is mainstream radio getting away with playing such un PC songs? Where do I start? Just the image of a poor, helpless grandma getting run over by a flying reindeer? How is this Christmassy? How does the imagery of animals colliding into the elderly evoke joy? You specters with your “holiday music.” You all should be ashamed for listening to such violent songs. Go settle down and listen to the gangsta rap channels. And why are we painting Gamma as an alkie as she stumbles out into the snow? Sure, she forgot her medication; so now we’re assuming she has dementia. I know, this will make a great Xmas song! And then let’s not only find her body, but put hoof prints on her forehead and make Santa all handsy! Elmo and Patsy -if that’s even their real names-should be arrested. If they’re still alive.

OK, so devil’s advocate. So what is this is a response track? What if the titular Grandma, is actually the Baby in “Baby, It’s Cold Outside?” What if it’s actually good ol’ grandpa trying to cajole her to stay safe, instead of wandering out into the night full of murderous deer? Different spin, now, huh? I’ll give you a second for your mind to recover being blown before I ruin another holiday classic.

12 Days of Xmas. Offensive lyrics;

Just about every damn line

Wow, let’s gather the kids around the tree as we sing about deforestation (pear trees), what I am pretty sure in animal abuse; giving partridges, turtle dove, colly birds, French hens, geese a-laying (which I am pretty sure means they are pregnant. Pregnant geese, this year’s perfect Xmas gift), swans that were formerly swimming. But let’s continue with stereotypes of “ladies dancing,” “lords a-leaping” and whatever twisted imagery you conjure up for “maids a-milking.” This song is rubbish, and I will say as much to the manager on duty the next time I hear it at Target.

Wanna keep going?

Have a Holly Jolly Xmas. Offensive lyrics;

Kiss her one for me

Not cool in light of all this Harvey Weinstein business, bro.

Domenick the Donkey. Offensive lyrics:

Oh fer chrissakes, take your pick

Stereotype much?

White Christmas. Offensive lyrics;

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas

Supposedly, this is the official Xmas carol of the White House

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. Offensive lyrics;

Make the yuletide gay

I'm not even gonna caption this meme, you guys should get this one.

Again, I’m fairly sure “gay” had a different connotation when this song was first written. Still, it could be taken as a slur, so we’re best just ditching the entire song. You guys happy now? This also means we gotta scrub the Flintstones theme song, now, too. Hey, I don’t like it either, but rules is rules, and I didn’t start this mess.

Santa Claus Is Coming to Town. Offensive lyrics;

He sees you when you’re sleeping

He knows when you’re awake

He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake

"If you have no problem with this song, give it a thumbs up."

Hey kids, let's sing a song about a creepy old dude who watches you when you sleep! Why are we celebrating a guy that allegedly watched kids when they’re sleeping and “knows” if they’ve been bad or good. I didn’t even bring up this supposed list that keeps track of the naughty and nice. But, fuck it, let’s put this guy on Coke bottles and CBS specials.

Ok, so let me ask the breeders and Earth haters out there a question. If there was some strange dude sitting in the mall, would you send your precious little snowflake to go sit in his lap and confess their deepest desires? No, of course not. So why do you do it when there’s a stranger dressed like Santa in the mall?

Santa Baby. Offensive lyrics;

Hurry down my chimney tonight

Come and trim my Xmas tree

Everyone knows chimney is slang for vagina. Also, we all know what "trim my Xmas tree" really means. We're all adults here, some with nicely trimmed chimneys.

^^That is seriously the best line I have written all year.^^^

It appears the girl in question in the song desires Santa to be her sugar daddy; she also wants a convertible, yacht, diamond ring, duplex and checks. Now, I ain't sayin' but there's a word for women like this. 

Look, I am sure there are more offensive Xmas songs. The fact of the matter there are just so many I can subject myself to in the name of science. But I think I’ve more than proven my case. I don’t think we need to hear anymore Xmas songs. Ever. It’s apparently what we want.

 

Let's Get Drunk and Watch Shitty Xmas Movies Together Tomorrow Night

I have a brilliant idea. I want a creative way to mask my alcoholism. No, wait, that's not it. I thought it would be funny to play the Official Kevolution Theory Shitty Christmas Movie Drinking Game and Tweet about it. And guess what? You're all invited! That's right all of you! No cover charge or ugly sweaters necessary! And all the free exclamation points you can handle! 

So here's the deal. The drinking game rules are below. No peeking. So we're all on the same page, here's the holiday piece of dreck we will be watching 8PM EST on Lifetime

This future inductee into the National Film Registry; a sure to be modern classic called Christmas Around the Corner.

We're all gonna be best friends by the time this movie is over

Now, truth be told, I came up with this list before I chose the movie. I chose this movie because it happened to be right in the time I wanted. And you can thank me because it is up against another piece of shit Xmas movie that "stars" Candace Cameron Bure, and I am pretty sure that movie would have poisoned us. Speaking of drinking, just by the 30 second preview, I can see we will be drinking. A lot. Hydrate now and get those Gatorades on the night stand for Saturday morning!

I really need corporate sponsors for this sort of thing.

I have also noticed, doing research, that apparently I have at least three channels that are showing nothing but shitty Xmas movies. I am pretty sure this is why the terrorists hate us.

"But, Kev, why are you doing this on Twitter?" Great question! I'm doing this on Twitter because I don't want to litter my FB friends' timelines with jokes that have such a short life span. Also, I realize a lot of my friends have an actual life and don't sit home on Fridays nights writing jokes no one reads. I'm not doing this to gain Twitter followers because, clearly, I don't have Twitter figured out. It just seems the best way for people who are interested in this sort of content to consume it. In the end, this is really just an experiment, and I have zero expectations. And if I play the Game right, I will also have zero recollection. Win win!

This could be us by 8:10.

I have also created the hashtag #DrinkingWithKT. Apparently, some other loser used #DrinkingWithKev, which was my first choice. Granted, it hasn't been used for over two years. But I don't have kids, and hashtags are as close as I wanna get.

Ok, so below are the rules. They will work with any shitty Xmas movie you will see on Hallmark, Lifetime or whatever other godforsaken "networks" show this drivel. 

Follow all my jokes @ifyouseekev. Now go prepare, get your drinks of choice, cancel all your social engagements, get Gatorade, have water and Xmas cookies. It's OK, there's still one more weekend you can totes procrastinate on your shopping.

The Kevolution Theory Shitty Christmas Movie Drinking Game

Drink Everytime

Elf sighting

Reindeer!

Creepy Guy wearing Santa hat

Musical montage

People are outside in the cold, yet you can’t see their breath

Jewelry commercial (yes, the drinking game continues through the commercials. It’s the Kevolution Theory way)

Commercial for another shitty Xmas movie

You laugh at one of my hilarious Tweets

Drink Only Once If:

Plot involves someone returning to their hometown

Plot involves two people who originally disliked each other, but you just KNOW they’ll be bumping uglies before New Years Eve

Someone is widowed or divorced

Single parents

Plot involves saving small town business; hotel, bookstore, brothel, bakery, general store, library

Someone gets snowed in/stuck in town

Two people pretend to be in a relationship, and of course, end up in a relationship

Protagonist career is any of the following: writer, photographer, marketing, chef/baker, flight attendant

Someone from New York travels South

Male protagonist dislikes Xmas

Plot has anything to do with exes

Someone has an Xmas based name; i.e Holly, Nick, Donner, Blitzen

Movie features that one actor….from that one show…..

Movie stars a country singer

Main character is leaving town at the end of the movie, but we all know they skipped the flight and stayed

Story has anything to do with alternate timelines

Story has anything to do with people switching bodies

Drink Twice

If the girl looks familiar

When it starts to snow (No, NOT every time you see snow. I don’t want to kill you.)

Plot involves some small town business that is related to Xmas; tree farm, toy factory, etc

The Mayor gets involved

The tree is getting decorated

Tree lighting ceremony

Snowball fight!

Someone is building a snowman

I actually pick up a new Twitter follower

Movie stars Danica McKellar, Lacey Chalbert, Candace Cameron Bure, Lori Laughlin

Santa Claus sighting

Multiples

If the plot has  anything to do with a princess -3x

Mehorah sighting -5X (this one gets legit next year)

Socials

Mistletoe

Carolers

Someone is drinking eggnog

Drinker’s Choice

The main guy/girl started out “kinda cute” but as you’re playing this game, he/she gets hotter

Starting to feel shame because THIS is the way you’re wasting a perfectly good Friday night

Chug

You cry, you big sally

Gifts We Need To Stop Giving

As the calendar nears to December, the full hustle and bustle of the homogeneously termed “holidays” are almost upon us. It’s a time of wonder, tradition, hope, joy. Not so coincidentally, this is also the time most people seem to abandon common sense, and go all ape shit. And if nothing else, this blog has always been about doling out common sense in a world sorely needing it.

So, dear reader (I say that because hits are way down, and I am damn close to having single digit readers), I am here to once again lay down some wisdom on a world that really lacks it, but will also disregard it. Yet, I will still dish it out because it’s what us visionaries do. I will also stop slyly inferring how great I am. For now.

If I can help you at all this holiday season, let it be this. Stop buying bullshit gifts. Right now, the net is all awash in “top ten gifts” lists. The best tech. The best gadgets. The best deals. All noise, my friends, all noise. My gift to you is what not to gift to others. 

Spoiler alert; it sucks, whatever it is.

Fitness Trackers. OK, can we just stop this now? Besides the copious reports that these things don’t actually work, where’s all the owner’s evidence that they do work? Counting steps is bogus at best. Sure it’s all nice and cheery to think that something literally as basic as just meandering around all day will help you lose weight by just more meandering is bogus. Who has ever lost -and kept off- weight by merely just increasing their steps? I’ll tell you who; no-freaking-body. If it was really that easy, people would be walking more. Instead, they’re just driving more, and that’s while staring at their phones. These are the same numbskulls who thought Jared lost all that weight by just eating at Subway. Turns out it was all the whacking off to child porn. Fitbits, etc are just this generations version of the treadmill. Something bought during the holidays with the best of intentions, but ultimately just ends up being decorated over with clothes.

Unsolicited Books. We all have that one daft aunt who thinks she “really knows” us. She wants to show this off by buying us a book we never asked for. Books are huge investments of time, especially if they don’t have lots of pictures or things to color in. Just because we flew in a plane doesn’t mean we would be fascinated by a book about aviation history. Just because Hamilton is the trendy play these days everyone pretends to love, doesn’t mean there is any real interest in reading a droll history of the man. No one really knows me well enough to buy me a book. If you really do know me, you know not to buy me a book.

Anything from Kohls that comes in a box under $10. No, just no. That shit is all $1.99 the day after Xmas anyway.

Anything that is a monthly subscription. How come I just can’t buy anything anymore? How come everything has to be a subscription? Razor blades, toothbrushes, dive bar shirt clubs (Why? Why do I want shirts sight unseen from bars I will never go to? I have a theory this one is all a scam and the “bars” are just made up.) dog toys, dinner, music, jelly? Why can’t I just buy a damn razor or download without being tethered to receiving another thing in a regular interval? (Clue; it’s because you’re much more likely to just receive the shipment than ever actually cancel it from your card.)

Alarm clocks. Can someone please explain to my why alarm clocks are still around? With the prevalence of smart phones, they are just not needed anymore. Put any bell and whistle you want on them (white noise, projection-because what helps you beat insomnia quicker than staring at a giant, illuminated clock on the ceiling as you can’t fall asleep?) Phones have pretty much killed off other things like GPS, radios, genuine human interaction, cameras-why are alarm clocks still around?

These aren't my grandchildren.

Facebook Portal. OK, so let me make sure I understand this. The dominant social media company that does all kinds of sketchy things with our personal data has introduced their very own camera? That can follow us around? Yea, this sounds safe. There’s a reason my FB password is ZuckerburgSucks. It’s also the same reason this blog has been receiving so little traffic from FB, too. Bastard. 

Romaine Lettuce. Obvi.

Anything alive. Really, I mean it. We can start at the deforestation of the Earth for something so trivial as “Christmas trees.” But, really, anything from a plant, to a fish, to a puppy/kitten, horse, actual children (both domestic and shithole countries.) It’s too much.

Cars. November to Election Day; offensive and unrealistic political ads. Election Day to New Year’s Day; offensive and unrealistic car ads. Like, seriously, has anyone here ever received an actual new car for Xmas? Even a beater car? No, because those things only happen in commercials, not to us ham and eggers who live paycheck to paycheck and whittle away what precious little time they have left over on a blog no one reads. One day I aspire to be at a point in life where I have a wife and a job where I can surreptitiously squirrel away enough money from her to buy her a car. If I can do that one year, then hiding the mistress the next should be a piece of cake. #squadgoals

Not shown; the side of the house he had to knock down to get the car into the living room

Ancestry.com C’mon people. You know who works for Ancestry? A bunch of Nigerian princes we’ve already sent money to. So let me get this one straight. These are for people who have absolutely zero going on in life, they to at least have to feel they sprang from noble stock in the past. This same stock would shed tears if they saw what a mess we are. All you do is send them in a swab of your spit There are just so many jokes I have for this part, I literally can’t decide which to use-

Can’t they just get that from the envelope?

Emily Ratajkowski can send in some of mine.

BYOING BYOINGBYOING

What if mine has some chaw in it?

So..if you ask for my girlfriend’s spit…..

Back on point, you just send them a swab of your spit, and, quite magically, your entire lineage comes back! Presto! Totes legit. Well, I got all uppity about this and send an undercover -and sexy! agent to the Ancestry office, and she revealed the cutting edge technology they use

You are Turkish.....and......Ugandan......and...

So trot out Kelly Ripa all you want, Ancestry and their ilk are likely scams. Oh, and guess what they do? They also sell your data. Their biggest finding so far? People who send money to Ancestry.com are stone fucking stupid. Sorry, Susan, you’re not really Navajo, enough with all the dream catchers on your desk. Really, at this point, you might as well throw away your money at DNA testing your dog.

Your move, Ancestry.

Dog DNA tests. Oh, FFS, we’re doing this now, too? This is an even bigger scam. “Oh my god! Sparky actually descended from one of the dogs in Turner and Hooch!” No, no, no. Please stop wasting your money on this. Send it to me; I will set up some bullshit Patreon site. In fact, with the first few patrons, I will roll that money right into an experiment where I send Theory Pup 2.0 saliva to Ancestry and my saliva to a dog DNA site. Science!

Pink Salt Lights. For every piece of evidence you can find from some POS “mommy blog” that goes on and on about the benefits of (Himalayan) pink salt lamps, I can point you to 50 fact based articles that declare them to be-scientifically put-pure hooey. I’m sure if you also wasted your money on a DNA test, your results would come back as “gullible and prone to nonsense.”

Sexy Handmaiden’s Tale costume. I don’t even watch the show, and even I know there’s something wrong with this. What’s that? They already pulled it? Damn! Uh…I mean, good. Not like I was saving it for a special occasion or anything. 

"Kev, do you ALWAYS have to have pictures of half naked girls in your blog?"
Yes, yes, I do, because it takes me 3 days to find just the right one.

Ugly Sweaters. There was a time, not that far ago, when people had holiday parties where you had to wear an ugly sweater. The idea was that you  had to go out, and find an actual, ugly sweater. By the droves, people would go to thrift stores -or their parents’ closets- to find sweaters that were at one time sorta fashionable, but currently termed “ugly.” As this rage grew, it became profitable for companies to premake “ugly sweaters.” Nowadays, you’re just a few clicks away from any number of licensed ugly sweaters; movies, sports, cartoons. Now they light up and play music. This really all defeats the original intention. Personally, I blame all the hipsters for ruining this. I blame them for a lot, actually.

Am I missing anything?

You GD know the next post will be titled Gifts Most of The Morons Who Make Up the General Public Need.

On an unrelated note, be on the lookout for my Amazon Gift List!!!!!!!