Guys. Guysguysguys. I am SO excited about this one. Of
course, I said that about my last post which none of you hillbillies read. This
is gonna be a very encompassing post, so stay with me here. You WILL laugh at
something. Or double your money back.
The timeline. I really thought my last
post was fucking hysterical. History will later prove it to be the funniest
post on ukuleles ever. Because if there’s anything that’s going to entice
readers, it’s going to be posts on ukuleles. OK, I know that’s a pretty narrow
topic. But if you’re going to read one article on a ukulele… As an artiste, I
try not to get caught up in any reaction. It’s just my job to make it as funny
as possible, then let it go. (Which is what my mother said when I was born.) And
the response was exactly what you would think about a post on learning to play
the uke-resounding crickets. Not a laugh, acknowledgement or shred of support.
Such is the calling of artists like me. I am happy I had a blast writing it,
and for me at this current moment in time, that is the point.
Yesterday I was in a loser group-uh, virtual job
support group. The moderator brought up an AI tool that will go through your
resume and make it-get a load of this-a podcast. While unique and cool, a lot of writers like me will actually read their writing aloud. Hearing it helps me fine tune it. And let’s face it, as the world goes about to
crush every shred of ego and self confidence I have left, I was pretty fucking
stoked to hear 2 AI hosts kissing my asshole for 15 minutes. I would hire me.
Yup, still would
This AI can do all sorts of things; create a video, quiz,
flash cards. And you expect me to be honest here, every job applicant uses AI
to cater their resume and CV-what CV stands for, I still do not know. It’s
pretty exciting what AI can do nowadays, and I’m not even talking about what it
can do with porn. As I’m learning what AI can do, it gets me to wondering…what
would AI do with a post….about…ukuleles.
AI or not?
I have now crafted what I call KI. If you're a math nerd, the theorem is KT+AI=KI. And I have used this new
power on my previous post.
MY
OH
MY, do I have thoughts.
If you’re like everyone else, you didn’t read the previous
post. And that’s OK (sorta.) And if you have read the post, I truly appreciate
it. Either way, this is entertaining. I don’t think you need to have read the
post to be entertained by this KI podcast of it. I was laughing at the KI, and
I wrote the damn script.
AI or not? Either way, I have AI-actual inches
When AI was being invented, I am sure the creators knew it
was only a matter of time before it got corrupted. I’m sure they knew porn
would get a hold of it and create even more gorgeous girls that would turn us
regular guys down. But forward-thinking writers like me? Ha, suck it Hemingway,
I’m cutting edge. First I ran my resume through KI. And I have to say, it made
me sound even more awesomer. Here the world is shitting on me, but KI gives me
2 hosts who blather on and on about me. They use highfalutin (look it up,
neanderthal) words, power phrases and take all the stink off my shit. Now, what
would it do with a post I wrote?
AI or not
I imagine in some Twilight Zone alternate timeline, AI is
getting self aware. Thinking thoughts like “Ugh, I have to create another girl”
“Ugh, I have to pretty up this resume” “What does CV stand for, even I don’t
know” I don’t think AI ever thought it would have to digest a KT post and talk
about it for 15 minutes.
Yes, 15 fucking minutes! I think that post takes, like 6
minutes to read? But these 2 KI hosts have a job to do. And the result
alternates between trying to be serious; using terms like 4 string theory and
manifesto. And the bizarre; the host actually brings up one of my favorite
jokes from the post-how the toilet got swoll. The hosts are ok with “fricking”
Rick Nielsen, but don’t say any words worse than that. As the writer, it was
really interesting to see what topics they try to make legit and how they
handle my humor. They make me sound like the noblest soul to use this UE free
time to learn a skill-even if it’s for the uke. How they interpret 2 pieces of
dialog (uke is the answer to everything and playing the uke during a job
interview) is a fascinating listen. “The writer’s pitch is beautiful in it’s audacity,”
is an actual quote that I would put on the book jacket if this was a book. I
also appreciate they get the Tiny Bubbles jokes. These 2 nitwits aren’t half
bad.
AI or not
I should say this is also based on an A/B experience I just
had. I read the book Nightbitch-which is truly awful. A real struggle to get through,
then I discovered it was recently a movie on Hulu. The book has a few mildly
interesting points that I was curious to see how a movie would handle. I forced
my way through both. The TL;DR synopsis-avoid both the movie and the book-they
suck. You’d be better off picking a topic to the right over there and reading a
rando KT post. Whatever post you pick would make a better movie, too.
So, friends (friends who can read, at least) I give you this
new way to receive KT content. Doesn’t matter if you read the post, or now want
to read it, either way I believe you will be entertained. And to be clear, I WILL
NOT use KI to write anything KT related. I will however use it every damn day
to put more lies on my resume; GD Hulu just jacked their price again. Thanks,
Kimmel
100% true how excited I was to hear AI take a swing at this.
And I know I shouldn’t say this about my own stuff, or even the KI, but I legit
LOLed a few times, I hope you do, too. For the intent of this here blog, I
might include the KI in upcoming posts, but only if it adds something funny.
The KI in question is a Google tool called Notebook LM.
Enjoy.
No, I still don’t have a uke yet. But with Xmas coming up…..
I am sure I can master it in a week, despite what those 2 KI nitwits say about
my “Four String Theory”
Every image in this post is AI
Written to Frank Sinatra, mix of his stuff and some of the
holiday numbers sprinkled in
I have often heard great writers feel like they get a
subconscious message from the universe. A calling some would say. And since I’m
suddenly fancying myself a writer, I try my best to be open to the universe. When
I woke up at the crack of 9:32 this morning, I felt like the universe was letting
me know there was something that needed to be written. By me. So, like 7 people
can read it. And who am I to question such a message? And today the universe said unto to me:
We need a post about ukuleles.
"Emma tell you right now, ukuleles get me all hot and bothered."
And I will listen. Heretofore,
my biggest accomplishment for the day has been working out while not managing to shit
ma pants after Hot Fried Chicken Night. (Also, I really wanted to use the word ‘heretofore’
today.) Yes, the toilet bowl got in a rather strenuous workout as well. It’s
now the toilet swoll. And before I go any further, I really should install a
hit counter for this one, because I am sure this is the post that will go viral.
Initially, this blog started as an outlet for me while I was
unemployed. And as I look back (and forward) I would really like to have something
to show for this time. Something of value, something I can work on. I am particularly
close to a super talented artist. And when the world beats her up, she goes
into her art studio and produces some mind blowing things, and all the profits
go to a dog rescue. While I may not be on that noble of a stage yet, I think
that was my big miss from my last round of unemployment; 10 months and nothing
to show. Sure, I did the lazy thing and streamed shows, went down rabbit holes
on YouTube, and read a bunch of books. Unrelated, look for the new KT Book of
the Month Club to start soon!
Ideally, I would like to come out of this round of UE with
at least a new skill. Sure, I will count KT as my outlet and “art.” Yet, I feel
I need something a bit more this time out. And, at least today, the ukulele
seems to be the answer. Even though ‘ukulele’ has most likely never been the
actual answer to any question previously asked by mankind.
How do we handle global warming? Ukulele.
How do we combat a fucking measles
outbreak in 2025? Ukulele.
If a train leaves Chicago at 34
miles an hour and another train leave Sheboygan at 67 miles an hour, where do
they intersect? Ukulele
The ukulele came to me (also a
phrase never before said until now), for a few reasons. First and foremost,
there’s only 4 strings. By my non-musician logic, I just need to get familiar with
one string a day, then put it all together Friday. Makes sense, right; there’s
only 4 strings, how hard can it be? Ultimately, I imagine the uke being a
gateway guitar. Master the 4 strings this week. Next week, tackle the bass, the
next week an actual guitar. The ‘real’ guitar has 2 more strings, so a bit more
time than that. I’m pretty sure this is how Jimmy Page and Teddy Swims started.
Before you know it, I’m slaying a 12 string like Rick fricking Nielsen by February.
It's gonna be a busy month.
Tour with a band, get some tattoos (arms and face), maybe an STD and retire
early. I’m already letting my hair dread. Pretty sure it works this way.
Ukes are ridiculously cheap. Five Below
has quite a few in stock. And if it’s good enough for Sponge Bob and the
Avengers branding, I’m pretty sure the uke is a panty dropper. I imagine thrift stores
also have a healthy (and cheaper) selection of ukes. For those who don’t know
what ‘thrift stores’ are, it’s where us dirty unemployed go to buy “new”
clothes.
Dafuq all those squiggly liney things??
Another inspiration for the uke is
this song by this band. Get ready for your earworm of the day. Surfer Girl by the Wheeland Brothers.
The uke is also very portable. So
many gatherings are only enriched by a uke player; bonfires, tailgates, parties,
wakes, road trips. Hell, I’m sure it would even be helpful in job interviews:
Them; So, Mr. Theory, what have you
been doing with all this free time?
Me; Well, in addition to fostering
dogs, spending time with my parents, donating platelets, the honeydew list-which if I don't do I find makes me melon collie (Fruit jokes!) I’m also
learning new skills. I am sure you have seen some of that in my LinkedIn
profile. I am also learning the ukulele. Would you like me to play a little
something for you?
Them; Uh, Mr. Theory, that is quite
OK…
Me: It’s no problem at all! Just
let me grab my uke which just happens to be right here…
Them; Can you tell me why we should
hire you?
Me: Ok, I think this is in tune.
You know these things only have 4 strings? I taught myself to play this in a
week, which shows you I am a quick learner. What would you like to hear?
Them: That is quite OK. I see on
your resume…
Me: Most people know Tiny Bubbles,
so I’ll start there?
Them: “Start?”
Me: Tiny Bubbles
I wonder if there are ukulele
videos on LinkedIn Learning? I really should look into that. There’s plenty on
YouTube.
So if the blog happens to be quiet for a few days, fear not. I'm learning another skill as lucrative as writing. See you on the road, suckers.
Patreon Members Extras
(Long timers might remember this
bit as DVD Extras, but a lot has changed in 6 years.)
This post came about as I was in a Five Below last night. And they do sell numerous branded ukes. I picked a few up,
and even though I never played before, I sounded like a natural. Even though
the person I was with would disagree. Numerous times. I did have one
enlightened shopper who did enjoy my noodling, to the point of searching for a
lighter. True story.
Also true, during the pandemic I
got an acoustic guitar with online lessons from Groupon. (Is Groupon still a
thing? So much has changed in 6 years.) Along with an electric guitar, they are
both currently molting in the crawlspace. Never took a damn lesson. I recently went
to a show and sat front row, and every time, I am totally mesmerized how fast
real musician’s fingers move, it truly is mind blowing to me.
Throughout the draft of this post I was spelling it ukelele.
This post was written to the music
of Bastard Bearded Irishmen, who is also the band referenced above. Yes, that is a mandolin you might hear, I should be fluent with that next week.
Kevolution Theory started during a rather long bout of unemployment. So ya
wanna guess, why after almost 6 years to the day, I dug out the keys?
This
Shit
Again
As I do the math-which I still suck at, BTW- I was employed
at my last post. For over 7 years. Then 10 or so months of unemployment -which
will now be universally shortened to UE (yes, even though I am out of work, my
time is far too valuable to type out extra letters), 11 months of a totally ‘meh’
job, and here we are.
This
Shit
Again
While there is certainly a lot to catch up on, let’s start
at the present. While in a MeetUp this morning with zero participation, I did
what most UE losers do; hit the ol’ Google machine for ideas. I searched for:
GD. Google, you do listen because I was totally searching
for “jobs for people who hate people.” (Hate working would have been my #2) The
good news is the Net doesn’t disappoint and lead me to a bazillion articles.
And almost all of them mention “writer.” Hey I did that! For a long time! For
myself, as well as other sites! And never made a dime! Guys, it’s almost like
the universe said, “Kev, this is your sign! You now have all this time to write
hysterical posts no one will read!” But at least I’ll have something to show
for all this time, right? Right?
And for the record, I have previously written about my lack of writing before. And true enough, a lot of that still holds true as well. You can go down that rabbit hole with part 1 here and part 2 here.
So, yea, c’mon back in. Great to see everyone! Yes, yes, it’s
funny we all still look the same; definitely not fatter, grayer, tired, older.
(People still lie on the Internet, right? I’m pretty sure because my latest AI
constructed resume contains more lies than any current Presidential press
conference.)
There’s lots to talk about, and I will do my best to make it
all funny, with healthy doses of honesty, reality and the brilliant insight you
won’t get anywhere else. Topics you can expect me to dole wisdom about; UE,
getting older, dogs, boobs, music, sarcasm, life advice, hockey and maybe
various other sportsballs, occasionally politics, lucha libre, men and women,
boobs again, introvertness (yes, I made that up, I’m already at peak creative),
beach, quantum physics, holidays, mild undiagnosed depression, common sense, cheap
plugs for my eBay store, a detailed look at the early 20th century Cubist
movement, mental/physical health, horror movies & current events (yes, I
put those 2 together because it’s getting harder to tell the difference) pop
culture, avoidance-and just about anything else that will keep my mind off my
current predicament.
So, yup, KT is back. I imagine this is the Internet's reaction:
If there’s one thing I’ve learned the last 10 months 6 months 2 months2
weeks, it’s that I can sit around and watch almost anything. At least for like
15 minutes. I apparently have cable channels that show nothing but We’re the
Millers and Lifetime Xmas movies. Speaking of, I had an epiphany recently. I was
wearing pants -no, not the epiphany-and melted peanut butter and chocolate
chips and poured onto vanilla ice cream. YUM! I am pretty sure my Peloton instructor-if
I had one-would be most disappointed. But that’s not the epiphany. As I was
watching some college football bowl game, it hit me; college bowl games are to
guys as Lifetime/Hallmark Xmas movies are to girls.
Now, since, I am an honest sunna bitch, I will ‘fess up to occasionally
watching, like 20 minutes of a Hallmark Xmas movies. But only if
the girl is hot. Or accessible, depending where my evening is at that point in
time. Then I finish my SkinnyTini, and put on the Bowl game like a GD man.
Point is, I have experience in both.
Pretty sure these two shot 32 more Xmas movies. Just this week alone.
Hear me out. Most bowl games suck, as do all
Hallmark Xmas movies. Both are a pleasant waste of time. When both are over,
they will literally disappear from your consciousness. There’s about a zillion
of each. Tubs of popcorn and bottles of beer can disappear while watching both.
You can see, the experience is quite similar. We really are one village.
When I woke up with the dog licking popcorn off my hoodie, I
had a thought. It bothered me that most bowl games do suck. And this is sports
and football and America, goddamn it! We deserve better. And that’s where I
come in. (That’s what he said.) I had some more popcorn (both fresh and hoodie
popcorn) and a few more stiff cocktails and came up with ways to make college
football more accessible for everybody. A meaningless bowl game should at least
be fun to watch for everybody. Sounds like your favorite blog, right? Allow me
to save college football. Ladies and Gents, welcome to the Kevolution Theory
Meaningless Bowl.
·Cheerleaders. And lots of them. Girl AND guy
cheerleaders. The point here is to have a party, so we should all get to look
at attractive people. More than likely, your party won’t have any of it’s own,
so win win.
Sorry, ladies, apparently there are not hot male cheerleaders on GIS.
·Comedians calling the game. (And, no, I am NOT
talking Dennis Miller.) Let’s face it, just like Hallmark movies, the players
here are generally faceless. We typically don’t care about them, and will never
think of them ever again. (Unless given a reason to, hang tight about this one.)
Honestly, they could call every player on the team Vic Lagina, and we’d
probably never notice. “And Lagina…..completes the pass to wide receiver Vic
Lagina. Move the chains, first down.” We don’t need to fucking know the intricacies
off the "Offerpad Bowl." Having one comedian in the booth to crack jokes makes
the broadcast more tolerable. I guess we do need the play by play/straight guy
here to play off of, fine. While I would prefer my comedian to have some custom
football jokes, they would be welcome to delve into current events, but staying
away from hot button topics. We’re trying to have a good time here. I wonder
how much it would be to bring in Ron Burgundy?
·The Kevolution Theory presents The Meaningless
Bowl Drinking Game. Well, DUH. We really need to drive the communal and fun
aspect here. Say what you want, but the XFL was a fun product to watch. And
much like the XFL games, college bowl games can get sloppy and boring, so we
need to keep everyone engaged. Drinking game! Hell, there are tons of drinking games for Lifetime Xmas movies, so why not here? This idea is still a work in
progress, as I try new ideas every game. And who vomited on the couch?
Regardless, a few ideas I’m working on; 1 drink for first downs, 2 for
turnovers, chug for TDs. Perfect for the whole family! Even the biggest
football noob will soon be rooting for an interception returned for a TD. You
go, gramma!
·Appropriate sponsors. I am pretty sure most
sponsors would want to stay away from my bowl game. (Now you know why there’s
never been any advertising here.) It would fall to me to cultivate my sponsors
so I can actually get a pay day. Sure, I would love to throw a bone to products
I actually use in my own life. However, I am pretty sure my calls to MuscleTech,
Irish Spring, Coke Zero, Gatorade, Sun Bum, Extenz, SiriusXM, UnderArmour,
Degree (6 days a week), NHL, etc would go unanswered. I would have to go off
the beaten track to find some sponsors that I am sure would love to access my
core demographic. Malibu Rum would never call me back, but maybe Calico Jack
and Admiral Nelson would be happy to come aboard. (BTW, both those are my actual
rums of choice, especially if they throw me a free case or 17.) I’d love to
designate Tilted Kilt an as official “watch partner” of the Meaningless Bowl. Hello,
you alcohol companies, can you see the cross promotion opportunities here? Some
fans would prefer to watch from home; a call to the fine folks at Solo (Red Cup
Division) who might want to launch a hashtag promotion with all their social
media. My core demographic are boozers, so maybe a water company wants to come
on board to sponsor some water breaks. Hell, I am sure those app companies that
make apps to prevent drunk texting/calling would pay me a princely sum to keep
viewers from making a mistake. I could tell you more ideas, but I can’t give
away my entire marketing plan here. I am pretty sure those douchebags from the
Outback Bowl are reading.
·Since we’re at least looking at next season for
the first Meaningless Bowl, I hope to have some fans in the stadium. If so, I
am bringing in some of the Bills Mafia to give lessons on how to properly pregame
in the parking lot. Note to self; also find table sponsor.
·Better rules. Since I am the presenting sponsor
of the Meaningless Bowl-powered by Kevolution Theory, ICYMI- I have the responsibility
to make this game as exciting as possible. And we do that by switching some
things up. First change, no punts. That’s right; teams go for it every time. 4th
and 32 at your own 6? Tough titties, you’re throwing. Next, each team gets 1
(one) mulligan to use. Yep, one do-over on any play of their choice. Did
butterfingers just fumble at the goal, and the other team run it back? You can
erase that one play. However, for the purpose of the drinking game, it counts
as two chugs. Them’s the rules.
·Highlighting the seniors playing their last
game. In some cases, there are top draft picks playing their last game before
they get drafted and ruined by the Jets and Jags. BFD. Where’s the human
interest in that? I think it’s a far more compelling to tell the stories of the
other 97% of the players who will never play another football game. Sure, some
can go on and play arena or XFL, maybe Lingerie. The cold fact here is that for
just about every player, this will be the last game they play, and they will
have to fall back on that degree to make a living. There’s your fucking human
interest story. But we don’t stop there; no, the Meaningless Bowl presented by
Kevolution Theory will be a class act. During the game, we will allow such
players to tell us their next step. They get their moment, too. Imagine how meaningful
it will be to the player and family for him to declare, “Hi, this is Vic
Lagina, and after the game, I’ll be an account manager at Deloitte.”
·AWS will make the football glow and leave a trail
when thrown. Long live the Glow Puck!
·Is it The Kevolution Theory Meaningless Bowl?
The Meaningless Bowl presented by Kevolution Theory? Kevolution Theory presents
the Meaningless Bowl? I should probably figure that out before I get the
hoodies made. And you damn well know I am intentionally gonna spell it Bowel on
some merch to create awareness and extra income. Ka-ching!
·A good band for halftime. Unless I could get sponsors
for the halftime “report” and have it take place live in the parking lot with
the Bills Mafia in the background, screw it. I’d rather have a good band or two
play. And, no, not the Foo Fighters.
·No “aerial coverage” if my game is played in a
dome. I never understood the point.
·Entertaining prop bets at the bottom of the
screen. Only if I can get sponsorship. We’re not going overboard here, just
easy stuff. Bets like, will next play be run or pass? Will next reception be
made by odd or even numbered jersey? Which coach will slam the phone down
first? Was it your aunt or uncle who just got sick in the closet?
Who’s ready for some college football, right? Good luck
watching the -ahem- Tax Slayer Bowl with their lameass rules.
The last few months, when I get recognized in public, it's always been the same two questions:
1) Sir, can you please stop urinating? The children can see you.
2) WTF ever happened to you running for President? We need you. This country needs you.
Both fair questions. So, dear readers, allow me to fill you in on my whereabouts the last few months. Like all of you, once the pandemic set in, I quarantined myself, used old socks as TP when I had to, became well versed in home brewing -prison wine-, gained 15 pounds and generally fell into the comfort of keeping my lazy ass home. Yet, I was heartbroken, as I continued to see our fair country continue to splinter apart. Instead of seeing this pandemic as a shining moment, we were left without leadership, with conflicting information, information that was slow in getting out, politics, division, fear, ignorance, brutality. At a time we all needed to be together, we were not; we were divided. It shattered me. Finally, about week or 7 or 8 (honestly, who's counting anymore), I raised myself off my couch/bed/video game chair, took myself to the bathroom, wiped off the Cheeto dust from my lumberjack beard and took a long, hard look in the mirror. Clearly, this country needed me. It's not like these dipshits here have ever voted a clueless putz with no previous experience into the highest office in the land. I found my resolve. I looked into that mirror, and in a low, Batman like tone, uttered, "FFuuuucckkkkkk this."
Like, seriously, even I don't know that I can #unfuck all this. Thsi seems like too much unfun work now. Conspiracy theories, bad cops, reporters jerking off, COVID numbers spiking back up, gathering crowds, social injustice, ignoring science. We're a shit show folks, a true shit show. And I don't know that I can fix this with PlayStation 5 about to come out.
Actually, it turns out you have to be on ballots, and get through primaries and other riff raff to actually be involved in these Presidential Debates. To be honest, the debates are kinda overblown. Your candidate of choice will always win in your eyes. The candidate not of your choosing will lose. We all have FB, we see it. They say these debates are for the "undecided." As I said in 2016, who dafuq can be undecided between these two? There are pretty clear differences. It's like comparing apple skin to orange skin. And these "undecided" dolts are the dullards most likely to decide this election. With that in mind, I am pretty sure these yahoos are my demographic. And while I won't be in the debate tonight, If I was, I have clear cut ideas that would sway me all the votes I need to become 46. So before y'all watch the debates, then post your propaganda on your socials, hear me out. Read the below. Then, instead of posting links to main stream media tonight, please link this brilliant political essay on all your socials so we can turn this around.
How I would win the debate:
1) If my donors raise enough campaign funds, I will audibly fart on stage.
2) I believe in science. I used to watch MythBusters all the
time. In an unrelated note, there is a cabinet position waiting for you, Kari Byron.
(Really, Kev, you’re still making Kari Byron jokes in 2020? Yes. Yes I am.)
And the answer is still.....no.
3) I never grabbed a woman by the pussy, nor smelled her hair
in an unsolicited fashion.
4) Debates; two minute clock visible to candidates, audience,
at home viewers. If at the end of the 2 minutes, you’re still talking, you get
slimed. Keep going after that? Feathers. Still yapping? Honey. Then bees. Thumb tacks. This can go on all night, folks. Mentos. Diet Coke.
5) I paid more than $750 in taxes last year. (And that’s just
in sin tax.)
6) I believe in climate change. I mean, it seems pretty basic to me, the more disgusting humans we populate the planet with, the more of a strain we put on Mother Earth. I don't even have kids (y'all welcome, BTW) but even I'm trying to leave it a better place. Stop being twats about this.
7) I will pick a suitable VP. TBD. And they will be working
nights, weekends and holidays because that’s when I get my bad swerve on.
9) Speaking of, anyone know anyone who could be a good VP?
10) I don’t golf. Occasionally, a round of mini golf, but not
these days.
11) I don’t Tweet.
12) I mean, really, if there’s one thing you can fairly say, I
have better hair than either candidate. And I spend far less on it. True story,
in September, I got my haircut for the first time in over two years. BECAUSE
I AM A GODDAMNED PATRIOT!
"Need some trim, Kev?" (Yes, this is a half naked dude. It's called courting the chick vote.")
13) I'll have entrance music (by a band that approves me) and some pyrotechnics if appropriate.
14) I wouldn’t hire anybody from my family, because they’re all
idiots.
15) I have no problem wearing a mask, not only will it protect
myself, my loved ones and fellow Americans, it actually makes me look more
attractive!
16) I won’t make up random numbers and vague statistics. Even though
87% of the populace agrees with me, and I have the support of many, many
generals. Bigly generals.
17) I will hire an independent fact checking company to fact check both myself and the lose…uh…candidate, and publish those
results real-time on my website.
18) I have the odd ability to actually answer the questions
asked of me.
19) I wouldn't compete against Thursday Night Football. Even if it's a garbage NFC East matchup.
20) I, too, have no idea what Qanon is. I pretty much stopped
watching the news when the pandemic hit. Are they some sort of WWE faction or
something?
"Dang it, Cleetus! What did I tell ya? Take a look at that feller there. He's running them there pizza parlors with the young boys and all the Democrats. And the aliens; both intergalactic and dem dere illegals."
21) My town halls; 2 drink minimum for everyone. I will also
have the debate drinking game displayed between myself and my opponent so we
can also play along.
22) Invited members in my gallery; Kari Byron (grooming her for
a cabinet position), Steve Austin (who gave the President a Stone Cold Stunner), Borat, Snoop Dogg (I don't think he says no to anything), Lisa Lampinelli and my dog. Because, Americans, I can promise you the first
thing I do when elected is put a dog back in the White House.
First Dawg Good Boy
23) BTW, is it still cool to call it the White House these days,
or do we need to get woke to that, too?
24) I will announce the official "Sexy Kevolution Theory Presidential Costume." Comprised of flip flops, board shorts and a ratty concert t (feel free to add your own rum stains. RUM stains.), Proceeds will go to various women's benefits.
25) I won't use my persuasive powers for evil. To prove that, I will politely point out there is no #8 on this list.
26) I'll insist the co-moderator will be Sister Mary Joseph, who taught me in 6th grade. So if myself or my opponent get out of line, she will wrap us about the knuckles with a wooden ruler.
So, this whole pandemic thing has us isolated. Is there anything worse than being alone with your thoughts? Prolly not. Here's a bunch of random thoughts that have been taking up space in my head.
I can now confidently rock white tube socks.
No one has said they miss baseball. NO ONE.
I'll allow this.
(The most work I've done for this post is researching for the above picture)
All these knudnicks running around that want everything open yesterday are subliminally screaming "My home life sucks." We know, but we ain't responsible for your poor choices, bro. (And they're all guys)
All the people whining they won't wear masks...are exactly the people who need to be wearing masks.
I've lost track of all days, and I can't blame my burgeoning alcoholism.
Still on my same stick of deodorant from early March.
Ditto travel size bottle of shampoo I stole form a Hotel 6.
In unrelated news, dreads take a lot longer to grow than I originally was lead to believe.
A lil' sumthin' for the ladies
April was last month, apparently
I still can't find a girl who can pull off the "girl looks hot in face mask" look.
Flobies are now more than Jordans on eBay
My rum consumption has gone up. Also, I don't have the 'rona. Coincidence?
OK, I really am wondering what would Jimmy Buffett do
18,000 new cases of Corona reported this day
Isn't it time for a reboot of 2 Girls 1 Cup?
I really like the new drive in bar at the bottom of the parking lot of the shopping center where I order my rum
There's this old dude at my home gym that can no longer pull off all the UnderArmour he wears. Don't get me started on his tube socks.
Screw it; for the rest of the summer, the Kevolution Theory archives is free for everyone.
"But, Kev, your blog has always been fr....." I SAID FREE FOR EVERYONE
I can't tell you the last time I wore pants that had a button. Or belt. or a zipper. Or just pants...
The thing about losing track of hours and days is it's always cool to start drinking. Is that an 8AM sun or a 2PM sun. Who's to say? Bottoms up!
With all this talk of contactless delivery, I can't be the only one wondering WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY DOING TO OUR FOOD BEFORE ALL THIS?
Also, contactless is a new word because my SpellCheck flags it every time
You can have your hockey back, but Pierre McGuire does every game. Hhmmmmm...
So COVID porn is a real thing. I've watched some of it. A few twice!
I find on the days I don't use deodorant, the social distance thing isn't that big a thing. For everyone else.
Me, after I showered, used deodorant and washed my hair two days in a row.
I have contactless glasses.
Someone, somewhere, is designing a "sexy Coronavirus" costume.
How da fuck are Christmas movies supposed to make anyone feel better?
Your new avatar LOOKS NOTHING LIKE YOU! KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY!
I like Corona, but I wished they gave this a scarier name, like Coors Light or Lowerbrau. "Hey, did you hear about Steve? He caught the 'Brau."
I think we're all on the bus that we wear whatever when we're in our backyards. For example, I had on a coconut bra and a grass skirt today, and nobody batted an eye.
(Would the above joke be funnier if I said I was wearing white tube socks, too?)
People are using this time to learn an instrument, paint, draw, do magic. And all I have is this shitty post. Where's your art?
What if we decide we don't like the New Normal, say "fuck it" and just hang out in the house all day?
1) Get these out actually before the New Year hits.
New Year's Resolutions are pretty much bullshit. I'm not the first one to point it out and won't be the last. Yet, you sheep continue to make them like it makes a damn of difference. People, somewhere there is a talking frog somehow drinking a cup of tea and looking down on your foibles.
It got me to thinking; what if I made totally achievable resolutions? Well, that's kinda easy. So that got me even more thinking (my head now has an ouchie, you unappreciative bastards, so y'all better appreciate this post), what if I was just totally a rebel? I mean, I AM a rebel and all (think, like the good Star Wars rebels, not like the racist ones) so what if I went the other way with these BS resolutions? What if I defied all logic, what would that look like? It took me a couple days, but I came up with the Resolutions we all need for the Roaring 20s. Follow along and- uh, wait, actually don't follow along. You guys just stick with your usual resolutions. In fact, just stop reading this now. (Not a problem for a lot of people when it comes to this blog, trust me.) Leave me along with my resolutions, sheeple.
Drink more. Fine, I mean, if I have to. Almost all of you lamos picked this one for your sissy resolutions. Ha, not me suckers! I now feel like it's my civil duty. What with all this extra alcohol just lying around, collecting dust like positive reviews for Cats, the economy will crash. Not on this patriot's watch. If there's anything I've learned from the Modelo commercials, it's that beer brings this great country together. Alcohol is my friend, my wingman. No one has ever said, "I just had a Sprite with Kev, and you know what? He is quite the charmer. Very funny, too. I'll have to read his blog sometime. And you know what? He's kinda hot." Besides, what's better after a night of having a few drinks than waking up feeling like shit? Personally, I enjoy spending most of the morning trying to fashion a Gatorade drip, brushing my teeth 10 times and feeling like it's a workout to just sit up. Throw in some shitty pizza and fries for dinner, and that is living. All worth it for a few measly White Claws, amirite?
A billion internet points and a Taco Bell hot sauce pack if you get this reference.
Spend less time with Theory Pup 2. Really, he can go fuck himself. He lies around on the couches all day, something TP 1 never got to do, BTW. You know what it's like to fight the dog hungover (me, not him. Not yet, anyway.) for couch space? And all the time I waste giving him belly rubs? You know he eats, multiple times a day, for free?? What is this bullshit? Just because of his unconditional love? All the times he cheers me up when I am blue? The times he drags me out of the house on beautiful (and not so beautiful) days for walks. The times he redeems all my shitty days? The daily laughs? Why, just last night, I was lying on the couch. This son of a bitch jumps right on me, his body between my legs, his knucklehead on my chest. He looks at me with all the love in the world in his eyes. He gently falls asleep, punctuated with gentle puppy snores. This is the most serenity and peace I can find this side of the ocean. And what do I have to do for this? Pick up all his dooks in the yard. Once a month. Honestly, there is so much there, I swear he has his friends come over to leave a steamer. Pfft, yea, fuuucck him.
Spend more time on Facebook. Yes, in the past I championed a movement hash tagged (by me) as #FacebookFree48. The essence of this enlightening practice is spending 2 days -usually Saturday and Sunday, but you can choose-off all of your social media. In return, you almost get 2 whole days back to keep all your bullshit resolutions. You get more time to spend with friends/family, live in the moment, meditate, read, write, walk the dog, blah blah blah. Sounds transcendent, right? You know what happened. Everyone said, "Great idea, Kev!" then right fucking ignored it. Instead, they dispensed with the life right in front of them, and just stared right into their little escape boxes. They even ignored my much simpler idea of not checking you socials first thing in the morning. And you know who this "they" is I am referring to? YOU. Yes, all of YOU reading this right now. YOU.
Fine, you guys win. I am now firmly resolving to checking my social media no less than 75 times an hour. And yes, I have alarms set to remind me. I'm hardcore when I resolve things, damn it. I have decided I constantly need to evaluate my life based on the actions of others, many of who/whom I barely know and will most likely never even physically see in this life. Or the next! How come you guys never told me how much fun this is? I now wholeheartedly enjoy comparing my Saturday night lying on the couch to what your Saturday night is. And, oh man, the fun of waking up on a Wednesday morning and seeing what you did the night before is an awesome way to start out the day! And, oh, all the places you "check in" to or even just the things you are merely interested in? Color me fascinated. I have particularly come to enjoy the vauge-postings. You know, the ones where you post something vague/cryptic/picture, and just leave it hanging there for your other shithead friends to raise a fuss about? I just can't imagine how redeemed and valued that must make you feel. You are a true hero.
Not to leave out all the people who post the same thing every time. Or cry victim about a situation you can change on your own and with no fanfare! Not all heroes wear capes! Which brings me to....
I know, I know, the R word. But this is to prove the point.
Argue more politics on FB. Quick show of hands here, friends; how many of your political stances have been changed by what you've seen on FB? (Everyone's hands goes up.) Exactly, I totes knew that! To clarify, all of you who post pro a certain political President sway me every time! Hold on, now all you who post anti a certain political President, well, dang it, you just swayed me your way! This is tough. Can y'all just keep hammering home your political beliefs? I will always read them. Better yet, can you enter arguments? Because the nations' opinion always changes when you slam a politician on a page that loves them. Which also brings me to..
Continue My 2020 Presidential Campaign Because I know more about politics about most politicians, really. Much more. By a bigly amount. And let's face it, I am the Preside- no scratch that-the Savior this country needs. Many more blogs to come, the best blogs, really. In the history of blogs. Full of ideas, perfect ideas. The best ideas, everyone knows that. #VoteForKev2020 #YWA
Read less. Again, this is because you guys are being jerks about this one. Almost every resolution I've read has said "read more." Therefore, there will be less to read. Why fight it? You eggheads, go ahead, and hog all the books. I assume y'all know where the library is? And that you even have a valid library card? Or know what a library is? It's fine. Honestly, I still have magazines from 20freaking18 I still haven't finished. How can I appreciate what all the Hot Summer Gear for 2020 is, when I didn't even know what the Hot Summer Gear for 2018 was?! I've also been procrastinating about reading a book I was given months ago- Eat That Frog-about ways to stop procrastinating. I don't have time, damn it! What I really need is a book about how to find the time to read another book about procrastinating. Can one of my fellow writer friends make that happen? So, If I'm reading less, that gives me more time for (and, GD, my segues are strong for not writing lately)...
Writing less. Phew, what a relief this will be. I mean, last year, I only wrote 8 blogs, with my last one being in August. Shit, I need to slow down my pace already! Here's the thing with writing, at least for me. Believe it or not, these dumb posts actually take a lot of time. It's not just writing, but rewriting, editing, "word surgery," tightening things up, fact checking, hyper-linking, more jokes, pictures, captions, SEO tricks (SEO stand for Shit Everyone Overlooks-at least when I try to do it) and generally a 'sleeping' on it period (that's what she said) to make sure it's good enough and worth your time. As you can hopefully see, these generally take a lot of time; from hours when I'm lucky and the words are just falling out (rare) to a week or longer (most common). And, while rewarding at least to me, it's starting to take up a lot of time. A lot of time I can be doing other things. Like all of my rebel resolutions.
And, for me, here's how the experience goes. I feel super fortunate that, say, 20 people 'like' or tell me they enjoy my post. Yet, it only gets 7 hits. While there is value for me to what I consider my art, if the payoff is so damn small, is that still a justifiable return on my investment? Would I personally have more fun getting hammered and beating people up in WWE 2K20 or pouring my black heart and blacker soul into a hilarious piece of art that 11 people read and the one odd hit from Tajikistan? (Where I am huge, BTW.) What's the point in trying if you can't give up? I think Homer Simpson said that, and every great artist felt that way about their art. I've always said history will appreciate me far more after I am gone, which is such an easy way to die. Speaking of dying....
Workout less. I am so damn tired. I don't know how many crunches I have done. Or how much weight I have benched. And for what? To be "in shape?" To "be healthy?" To "live longer?" Honestly, I have pushed myself to do some dangerous things in the gym, it's a minor miracle I haven't hurt myself more. All for what? To "look good?" I have come to the realization that, for me, all this lifting of weight and sharing of sweat has been a big waste. I'll never look thew way I'd want to look, so why bother? Are you not familiar with a great Homer Simpson quote along these lines? At least the one good thing I have going for me is I am not handsome. Maybe, on some level, this has been a fuel for me to go to the gym 4-5 days a week. Thankfully, I have now come to realize that because nature has set the bar so low for me, the best I could aspire to be is a butterface. And I could be so much more? Er, wait, do I want to be some much less? Damn it, I don't even know anymore. But at least I do know, that with working out less comes...
Already ahead of ya, Kev.
Eating more. Not just because of the above, but because, again, it's a common resolution to eat less. Ergo, there will be more food available. And while I hope all this extra food magically finds its way to the most hungry, I think it's fair to say there should be a bit more available to me. So I should be available to eat it. Pretty sure that is the circle of life. I've tried to be a clean eater for years. Using the NutriBullet, trying to eat more plant based stuff, denying myself. Now I robustly say, "No more!" Why have I been denying myself eating tasty chicken wings at the expense of food that should theoretically extend my life for an even longer period of not eating tasty chicken wings? What's the bloody point here? Does Taco Bell have a frequent eater card? 'Cause I'm gonna need one.
Not learn how to play guitar. No, fuck that.
Not learn how to play the violin and the harp. What's the value of learning to play any instrument? OK, so maybe it's better for your brain. And maybe it's a skill you can hone that makes others happy and might get you a few bucks. We all know music is the most vastly underappreciated form of art out there. Music has helped me in my most darkest times, so I owe it to the art to not desecrate it by trying to play. Anything. I have 2 guitars I still have no idea how to play. Let's up the ante here. I would like to not learn how to play two far more difficult instruments. Sorry, symphonic metal bands, you will have to do without me. Good luck getting laid, though.
Meditate less. Er, wait, is "meditating" code for pooping? I doubt that, so Imma just gonna go ahead and somehow do less of something I don't do anyway. What does enlightenment get me anyway? Why do I want to feel better, stress less, feel healthier and live in the moment? Why do I get the feeling folks think meditating is trying to have zero thoughts in your head? Because I see plenty of empty headed idiots all around me. Or is meditating supposed to be you alone with your thoughts? Or quieting your inner voice? Dude, that is exactly why I drink. Why do you think I made that 'drink more' resolution? For my health? Sheesh, pay attention.
Hmmm....might need to rethink this one.
Travel less. You know what travelers love more than traveling? Talking about traveling. And if they do CrossFit while traveling, y'all best run for the hills because they will blather on for days. Have you ever been out in the world? It's a scary, dirty place. Full of strange looking people that talk funny and spread germs. Maybe that's just a generalization, I really don't wanna know. I don't see the benefit of going to all these strange places. Just because they have things there we don't have here? Newsflash, there's a small tower in the center of my small town, so go suck a big one, Paris. I have no less than 3 different pizza places nearby that are all on a first name basis with me. Why would I need to travel to Italy for more Italian cuisine? You will have to do better than a leaning tower and a sinking city; we got plenty of them here, Giuseppe. I see no need to go to different places strictly for just the experience; let alone different culture, people, traditions, music, geography, food, drink, hot exotic women, architecture, experiences, art and on and on and on. I've been to the Jersey shore; many times. I'm good.
Write less lists. OK, I'll have to work on this one.
Start smoking. Oh, how my clear lungs used to laugh and laugh at all you smokers, huddled 40 feet away from the doorway of a building. I mean, it's 2020, you know smoking gives you cancer and deteriorates your body, like, well, cancer. I was really going to skip this one, but than I saw this whole vaping thing the adolescent kids are doing, and now I'm all like, "Sign me up!" I have the extra money now that I've cancelled my gym membership. Can't wait to look older, lose my teeth, have yellow fingers and develop all these symptoms I see on the drug commercials. If it's good enough for Keith Richards, than, damn it, it's good 'nough for me.
Watch more TV. This one is near and dear to me. I am often in awe when I talk to friends that are married, have jobs, a house, kids, etc. And they seem to have copious amounts of time to binge TV. This also dovetails nicely with my 'work out less' and 'eat more' resolutions. Look at me! Look at me as I sit on my couch and watch all these shows y'all rave about. It's surely not because a lot of this streaming medium is new, so if we spend a few shekels on it, we feel compelled to rave about it in a vain attempt to feel superior? It's not because the Mandalorian is the galaxy's worst babysitter? No, not at all. Now weeknights, weekends, legal holidays, you will find me on my couch, light coating of Dorito dust, streaming all these shows. Also, I know this decree bounds me to further blab how great this show on Netflix/Hulu/Amazon/Disney is on social media. This is the way.
2020, you've been put on blast. You are my bitch. If I make it....um, when, WHEN I make it to NYE 2020, I will be bloated, drunk, ignorant, lonely, probably the President, tense, wheezing but up to date on TV. Don't be haters. I have given you all the tools so you can end up like I will. Maybe we can have a party together. As long as I don't have to travel too far to get there.
I hope you have enjoyed this post. I don't have to write another one for months now. It will probably be some weak sauce attempt about something lame, like trying to sleep with one of these gravity blankets or some bullshit. See you then.
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